for now that’s enough

March 9th, 2015

“Where’s my daddy?”

The three words I dread the most. The one question I will never have an answer for. It always seems to come on our roughest days, because he knows he needs more than I can provide, because he knows my weaknesses, because there are traits he didn’t inherit from me that I am clueless about, because sometimes you just need your dad, because there are some things that are inherently male that I will never understand.

Three little words encompass my greatest fears. Getting pregnant at 17 was scary but I knew I could love, provide and care for my child. Motherhood didn’t scare me, finding the words to explain to my child why he didn’t get a daddy, now that was terrifying. How do you explain to a child that his dad was nothing more than a child himself, that his dad wasn’t lucky enough to have the supportive family I did, that his dad was scared of the things he thought he could never provide? How do you explain that its okay to be mad and sad and confused about the whole thing? Without downplaying what happened to him and how he feels about it, without letting him think a father abandoning his child is okay, without making him feel like its his fault?

At first it was simple, he lives far away, he works alot, he loves and misses you. Now he is in school, and he will see other kids with parents who live out of town and work alot and who still see their dads. He sees people with not only dads but step dads too. Now he has learning to ask for him in another language.

“Ou est mon papa?”

How do I put aside my anger and frustration, my hurt and abandonment, and calmly rationally explain to my son why he has noone around to call dad. Because once upon a time I thought I was in love and we would in this together and now I’m here making excuses for your cowardness while you make jokes about how scary the words “I’m late” are as if you have any idea about half the responsibilities I have.

My initial reaction probably looks like I have just been slapped, and I quickly try to regain my composure, “He lives far away remember baby?”. For the moment he is appeased, for the moment that is enough, for the rest of our night nothing is different and yet he needs extra snuggles tonight, extra reassurance.

“You’re my best friend, je t’aime maman”

And for now that’s enough.

Teen/Young Mom Tag

January 26th, 2015

Hey everyone!

Sorry I have been so MIA, life has been crazy and I hit writers block but I have a plan for a weekly blog for the next year! To get things started I’m doing the teen/young mom tag!

1. How old were you when you got pregnant?

I was 17 when I got pregnant, 18 when I became a mother.

2. What were your career plans before you got pregnant?

Before I got pregnant I wanted to be a teacher; since having my son I’ve realised this is not a realistic goal because there are no teaching jobs right now.

3. What are your career plans now?

I’m looking into a career in accounting.

4. Were you/are you with the baby’s father?

I was with my son’s father when I got pregnant but we broke up shortly after. We agreed that he wasn’t capable of being who my son needed him to be, he knew that I would be an amazing mom and could handle things while he took the time to grow up. So I filed for and won sole custody when my son was a few weeks old and have been doing it solo ever since.
5. Do you live with your parents?

We did live with my mom for the first 2 years but we’ve mostly been on our own since then.

6. What is the hardest part of being a “teen mom” aside from financial struggles?

The hardest part about being a young mom by far is not getting the time to find yourself, your teens and young adult life should be all about experiences : travelling, concerts, plays, education, dating, friends, family etc… Trying to juggle raising another human especially alone while discovering who you are, is nearly impossible.
7. Do you work?

I do! I’ve been blessed enough to have a job 30 hours a week, it allows me to be there to put my son on the bus and pick him up off the bus after school every day. I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom and my current job allows me to experience the best of both worlds!
8. How many friends do you have now compared to before?

We moved 5 hours away when my son was 2.5, before that I had a lot of friends with kids the same age as my son, now I have a few great friends who are supportive but I mostly see them on nights my son goes to my moms.
9. Is your family closer now because of your situation?

We were fairly close to begin with, but we actively try not to argue anymore because my son deserves to have a family who supports each other.
10. Do you wish you have waited/want other girls to be more careful?

This is a really hard question for me, I wasn’t on the best path when I got pregnant and having my son made me grow up and put my life back on track. If I could have learned the lessons I did when I learned them, and be able to have the same little boy just older and  in a more stable situation I would.  I would definitely encourage other girls to wait until they are in a stable situation with a supportive family and partner, an education, a job, a house and a car or two.
11. Name one misconception people have of most teen mothers?

People often assume we are irresponsible, I made one irresponsible decision that has led me to a lifetime of being incredibly responsible!
12. Do you think Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant glorifies teen parenthood?

I don’t think they glorify teen parenthood per say, but it is a television show and doesn’t portray life for all young parents. I certainly don’t have that much drama in my life.
13. How has your body changed from pregnancy?

Before I had my son I had a super metabolism, I could eat whatever I pleased and be super lazy and never gain a pound. That changed when I stopped breastfeeding, I’ve put on some weight but I just started working at getting my body back!

14. Do you plan to have more children? When?

I would love to, but only if I met the perfect guy and we were both ready for another child and I was sure my son wouldnt feel left out or replaced.
15. What is one thing you wish you knew before you got pregnant?

I wish I knew how hard being a single parent truly is, I wish I knew how hard I would struggle and that having a child the way I did has made my son miss out on things and it breaks my heart.

The Feeling of Disappointment.

April 13th, 2013

Walking through the mall I received several glares and stares, which is quite normal for me being young while pushing one baby in a stroller and carrying the other one pretty low on my body. But one look in particular hit a nerve. An older woman gave me a look that could have killed me several times over. Moments like this make me think, “Am I having a REALLY bad hair day, or is she disgusted with the fact that I am a young mom, or both?”

I can easily admit that often I ponder what my life would have been like without being a young mom but often times I get very depressed when exploring my options because although I wouldn’t have to worry as much about financial troubles, I would never have gotten to have that life changing moment of experiencing that feeling of accomplishing the wonderful miracle of bringing a life into the world, a life that will love you and rely on you.

So after the old lady had struck a nerve, I had to so kindly say out loud for everyone walking past to hear “Could you make any more of a nasty look when walking past two young parents that are just trying to take their child on a nice walk through the mall to experience social interaction from the NICE people pf the community?”

I would not have changed my life, as I would not have such a wonderful person to share it with :)

A Week of Nightly Teething

February 28th, 2013

Waking up at midnight to a screaming baby is never too pleasant. Non-stop crying when I already don’t get enough sleep as it is. I try everything and nothing really seems to help. Can’t we just go back to bed and deal with this after we get a full night’s sleep? NO!

Another night, hoping we can finally get some sleep. Do we sleep all night? No! Do we both want to? Yes! This goes on night after night…

But by the end of a week, was it all worth it? Yes, it was. Because now we get to see one more tooth poking through, that has now become part of my baby’s beautiful smile!

Teething is rough, but eventually so worth it.