a few days ago Phill was working late, so I decided to take Victoria out for an ice cream… all the way there she kept asking if “we going to get dada?” and I kept telling her Dada would be home later.
So when we are in the middle of our cones she asked again if Dada was coming, and I said later, so she looks me full in the face and goes: “Then you are my friend, I love you”
awww… I’m so in love with her right now!
I will never forget the time I met Victoria… Specially because I was so nervious, it was like I had never seen or been around a child before!
Phill and I had been seriously dating for over 6 months, and she was just over 13 months old. We had discussed this over for hours and hours and hours! I was really looking forward to meeting her, almost from the start, but Phillip had a thousand reservations! (that I must confess I didn’t really understand at the moment, but now I see his point). We met at his house, and I remember being so nervious my hand were damp with sweat!! I kept dropping everything I was holding… She just kind of ignored me at first, and hung on to Phill for dear life!, and I remember thinking “Oh God, this s going to be a disaster!”. The first time I tried to hold her she started crying. Later we started playing with some cardboard boxes, and the Phill yelled at me cause he was planning to use them!, then we decided to get some lunch and she wouldn’t take anything! So Phill got all frustrated and said that we better went home… At this point I almost felt like crying myself! and the thing is, I’m usually so good with kids! I adore them and they adore me!. Thankfully little by little she started reaching out to me, letting me tickle her, and by the end of the afternoon she’d even let me hold her! but still, I was SO awkward with her! it was embarassing! you’d think I had never been around babies before! Not knowing what to do, how to talk to her, how to calm her down… I really thought Phill was going to come up to me any minute and say “You know what, I don’t think this is going to work” (I’m SO glad he didn’t obviously!)
That’s when it hit me! all the pressure I was putting on myself, because this wasn’t just some kid, just another friend’s child… This is the daughter of the man I love! and if everything turned out the way we wanted to, she was going to be my family! My step DAUGHTER! yikes! and you can imagine what a shock that was to me at first… I remember when we said good bye I patted her awkwardly on the head and didn’t even kiss Phillip, I was so out of my element!
Then I thought, if I want this child to be my family, I had better start treating her like family! and that made a world of difference! the next time we met like 2 weeks after that we really started bonding! we went for ice cream, I made her laugh, she made a mess of my dress and broke my necklace, you know, the whole thing! hahaha! But I’m glad to say we’ve been friends ever since. =)
I got it! and baaad!
What is this thing that makes you feel like “you’re missing a child in your life”?? This thing that listens to no reasons… There is this thing, a Monster, we call Baby Fever, and let me tell you, it can eat you up from inside if you let it! This longing to feel that life inside you… This pull to your stomach every time you see a tinny bitty baby, and that weird feeling when you see a pregnant woman and can’t help thinking “Why can’t that be me?”
Is it an Ego thing? the empowerment of feeling, of knowing, you are creating something so amazing as A NEW LIFE… but that sounds kind of selfish, doesn’t it? though this Monster IS selfish, because it doesn’t care if it’s right or wrong, or if it fits into your plans or your lifestyle! it comes at you and takes over anyway!
Is it loneliness? a void to fill?? I honestly don’t think so! It’s so much deeper than that! It’s like falling in love, you can’t help it, but you *know* when you’ve reached that point… It’s not that you want something more is that you know you are missing something! and it’s a battle of wether or not to go after it! and let me tell you, it isn’t a fair battle at all!
Like I said, the Monster listens to no reasons! it wants what it wants, and won’t settle! You can try to reason with it, to fool it, to ignore it, you can even try to blackmail it! and still, most of the times it will overpower you!. Now, this doesn’t mean it is automatically a lost battle! because thankfully every Monster has music to sooth it, to put it to sleep, so you can go on about your life, and almost forget about the Monster asleep on your basement! But beware, because when it wakes up again, it’s the same battle all over again! and with this Monster, at least for me, you can win the battle(s) but you won’t win the war!
and then, who can you talk to about it? There are always the ones who’ll think you are insane! who will tell you that your life is perfect just as it is, and to wait for X and X first… and then X may or may not come, and X becomes Y and becomes Z, cause there will never be a “perfect time” to have a baby come a give a 180° turn to your “perfect life” (if you’re so lucky to have such thing!)… and then of course there are the ones who “support” you, and get all excited with you, and say that you can do it! (just like they do) but they are not in your shoes, are they? they don’t know that deep down what you really want is to be talked out of it, because you know in your head that you really DO NEED your X,Y and Z first!
This is a hard Monster to fight off! Specially when it attacks you at a young age! Thankfully you don’t have to fight it off forever, one way or the other the time will come for you to surrender to It, and you know it, and that’s what I keep telling myself… and it will be sooo worth it in the end!! You won! You get your Reward! Enjoy your Prize!!
… until the Monster strikes again!
