I got it! and baaad!
What is this thing that makes you feel like “you’re missing a child in your life”?? This thing that listens to no reasons… There is this thing, a Monster, we call Baby Fever, and let me tell you, it can eat you up from inside if you let it! This longing to feel that life inside you… This pull to your stomach every time you see a tinny bitty baby, and that weird feeling when you see a pregnant woman and can’t help thinking “Why can’t that be me?”
Is it an Ego thing? the empowerment of feeling, of knowing, you are creating something so amazing as A NEW LIFE… but that sounds kind of selfish, doesn’t it? though this Monster IS selfish, because it doesn’t care if it’s right or wrong, or if it fits into your plans or your lifestyle! it comes at you and takes over anyway!
Is it loneliness? a void to fill?? I honestly don’t think so! It’s so much deeper than that! It’s like falling in love, you can’t help it, but you *know* when you’ve reached that point… It’s not that you want something more is that you know you are missing something! and it’s a battle of wether or not to go after it! and let me tell you, it isn’t a fair battle at all!
Like I said, the Monster listens to no reasons! it wants what it wants, and won’t settle! You can try to reason with it, to fool it, to ignore it, you can even try to blackmail it! and still, most of the times it will overpower you!. Now, this doesn’t mean it is automatically a lost battle! because thankfully every Monster has music to sooth it, to put it to sleep, so you can go on about your life, and almost forget about the Monster asleep on your basement! But beware, because when it wakes up again, it’s the same battle all over again! and with this Monster, at least for me, you can win the battle(s) but you won’t win the war!
and then, who can you talk to about it? There are always the ones who’ll think you are insane! who will tell you that your life is perfect just as it is, and to wait for X and X first… and then X may or may not come, and X becomes Y and becomes Z, cause there will never be a “perfect time” to have a baby come a give a 180° turn to your “perfect life” (if you’re so lucky to have such thing!)… and then of course there are the ones who “support” you, and get all excited with you, and say that you can do it! (just like they do) but they are not in your shoes, are they? they don’t know that deep down what you really want is to be talked out of it, because you know in your head that you really DO NEED your X,Y and Z first!
This is a hard Monster to fight off! Specially when it attacks you at a young age! Thankfully you don’t have to fight it off forever, one way or the other the time will come for you to surrender to It, and you know it, and that’s what I keep telling myself… and it will be sooo worth it in the end!! You won! You get your Reward! Enjoy your Prize!!
… until the Monster strikes again!
I think with baby fever the worse part is that it is one of those rare things that the heart is sometimes right and the head wrong where as in most situations your head is always the best one to listen too. I hope that you come to a decision that makes both your heart and head happy. *hugs*
I know… Being a woman sucks sometimes! (Thought it rocks most of the others!)
I hope you guys can come to a decision too, because you are right, this defies all logic, and it comes down head vs heart sometimes…
Yes Carla baby fever is most definately a monster! I’ve had and battled it but three kids later you can see that I always end up losing the fight at some point. I am at the same point right now only for me it is about wishing if only I could have a daughter but then thinking three children is a lot and the thought of a fourth is kind of scary. Good luck with your decision because it wont be easy. I think that if you have some goals to acheive first setting a time line can help but the truth is that the heart wants what it wants and you may defy all logic on a whim. *hugs*