***WARNING*** COMPLETE RAMPLE AHEAD!!!
My life has changed so much in the past few months… I graduated high school, started college, Lucas and I moved out of my parents house and are living on our own, my parents sold my childhood home and moved a state away, Dave and I broke up, and because of all of this happening in such a short amount of time I have felt very overwhelmed and confused lately. I feel like my life isn’t going in any particular direction at the moment, I get up, take care of Lucas, get ready, drop him off at daycare, go to school, pick him up, do dinner, put him to bed, do homework, watch TV, go to bed, then I wake up in the morning and do it all again. I feel like I’m going no where and the monotony of my day to day existence is driving me up a wall… I know it’s good to have a routine for both Lucas and I, I know I have to go to school and get an education so I can get a great job to support my family, I know I need to work at my crappy job to make money in the meantime, but I feel like all the fun and excitement has been taken out of my life and that I’m just constantly going through the motions like a robot. There are so many things I want for myself and Lucas in life but I just feel like I’m stuck in a spot where none of those things are attainable. Besides getting my education, I feel like nothing I’m doing right now is going to lead me anywhere. I have almost no social life, I’m very shy and awkward around new people, and I feel like I can’t relate to anyone my age anymore, which makes it hard to try to have some kind of semblance of “normalcy” in my life. Even this weekend, my mom had Lucas for a few nights, I didn’t have to work, I was free to be an 18 year old. I should have gone out, put myself out there, tried to meet new people, be a little flirty, have some fun, but instead what did I do? I stayed home alone and listen to music and cleaned out my refrigerator! I hate to complain because I know so many people have things so much worse, and all things considered my life is pretty great, I have an amazing little boy, an incredibly loving and supporting family, a roof over my head, food in my belly, clean clothes, I’m getting an amazing education, me and my family are healthy, yet even with all these wonderful things I can’t help but feel like something is missing. I just don’t have that sparkle in my eyes or that vigor for life like I once had… I hate that I feel this way because it makes me seem like a whiney brat, but I don’t know how to change it or what to do to make my life seem full and to make myself happy again… I really want to start a new chapter in my life, I want to be happy and to be able to enjoy all the little things in life, I want to be able to look back and say “wow, those were some good times”, I want to radiate self confidence and charisma, which are things that I once had that I seemed to have misplaced. I want to have friends, have a social life, be able meet new people and even go on dates. I want to be able to balance Lucas, school, work and me time/social time without feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I know it can be done, because I was this person even just a year ago. Things are definitely a lot different now because I have a hell of a lot more responsibility than I had when we lived at home, but I don’t really even think that any of these issues I’m having stem from moving out or gaining responsibility. I really think it’s a combination of not really knowing what I want out of life and therefore having no clue where I’m heading and also breaking up with Dave who was my first love. I really, really, really hate to admit that I feel this way because of a guy, because I’ve never been one to rely on a man, but I have to admit that I really thought we were in it for the long haul, and so that whole situation threw me for a loop, and I’ve just been in a major funk since… So, in the coming weeks I’m going to try to make some changes in my life that will hopefully help me build up my confidence, I’m starting the P90X fitness program and going on a diet hoping that I’ll become less self conscious of my body, I’m going to spend more time doing things outside of the house with Lucas, I’m going to put myself out there more at school, maybe even join a club or something to help me find friends with similar interests and I’m going to start working on figuring out what my goals in life are and how to go about reaching those! I’m also going to try to stop dwelling on the negatives and the small stuff in life that I can’t control and instead stay focused on the positives. My dad has always told me that I need to be like a duck and let the sh*t roll off my back, and I think I’m really going to work hard to use that sage advice. It’s definitely going to be hard to do all these things, especially because I tend to be very jaded, cynical and pessimistic, but I’m going to do my best and work very hard to turn my frown upside down and become a better person for my son and for my sanity!!!!
