YMBlogs ~ young mommies' voices!

***WARNING*** COMPLETE RAMPLE AHEAD!!!

My life has changed so much in the past few months… I graduated high school, started college, Lucas and I moved out of my parents house and are living on our own, my parents sold my childhood home and moved a state away, Dave and I broke up, and because of all of this happening in such a short amount of time I have felt very overwhelmed and confused lately. I feel like my life isn’t going in any particular direction at the moment, I get up, take care of Lucas, get ready, drop him off at daycare, go to school, pick him up, do dinner, put him to bed, do homework, watch TV, go to bed, then I wake up in the morning and do it all again. I feel like I’m going no where and the monotony of my day to day existence is driving me up a wall… I know it’s good to have a routine for both Lucas and I, I know I have to go to school and get an education so I can get a great job to support my family, I know I need to work at my crappy job to make money in the meantime, but I feel like all the fun and excitement has been taken out of my life and that I’m just constantly going through the motions like a robot. There are so many things I want for myself and Lucas in life but I just feel like I’m stuck in a spot where none of those things are attainable. Besides getting my education, I feel like nothing I’m doing right now is going to lead me anywhere. I have almost no social life, I’m very shy and awkward around new people, and I feel like I can’t relate to anyone my age anymore, which makes it hard to try to have some kind of semblance of “normalcy” in my life. Even this weekend, my mom had Lucas for a few nights, I didn’t have to work, I was free to be an 18 year old. I should have gone out, put myself out there, tried to meet new people, be a little flirty, have some fun, but instead what did I do? I stayed home alone and listen to music and cleaned out my refrigerator! I hate to complain because I know so many people have things so much worse, and all things considered my life is pretty great, I have an amazing little boy, an incredibly loving and supporting family, a roof over my head, food in my belly, clean clothes, I’m getting an amazing education, me and my family are healthy, yet even with all these wonderful things I can’t help but feel like something is missing. I just don’t have that sparkle in my eyes or that vigor for life like I once had… I hate that I feel this way because it makes me seem like a whiney brat, but I don’t know how to change it or what to do to make my life seem full and to make myself happy again… I really want to start a new chapter in my life, I want to be happy and to be able to enjoy all the little things in life, I want to be able to look back and say “wow, those were some good times”, I want to radiate self confidence and charisma, which are things that I once had that I seemed to have  misplaced. I want to have friends, have a social life, be able meet new people and even go on dates. I want to be able to balance Lucas, school, work and me time/social time without feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I know it can be done, because I was this person even just a year ago. Things are definitely a lot different now because I have a hell of a lot more responsibility than I had when we lived at home, but I don’t really even think that any of these issues I’m having stem from moving out or gaining responsibility. I really think it’s a combination of not really knowing what I want out of life and therefore having no clue where I’m heading and also breaking up with Dave who was my first love. I really, really, really hate to admit that I feel this way because of a guy, because I’ve never been one to rely on a man, but I have to admit that I really thought we were in it for the long haul, and so that whole situation threw me for a loop, and I’ve just been in a major funk since… So, in the coming weeks I’m going to try to make some changes in my life that will hopefully help me build up my confidence, I’m starting the P90X fitness program and going on a diet hoping that I’ll become less self conscious of my body, I’m going to spend more time doing things outside of the house with Lucas, I’m going to put myself out there more at school, maybe even join a club or something to help me find friends with similar interests and I’m going to start working on figuring out what my goals in life are and how to go about reaching those! I’m also going to try to stop dwelling on the negatives and the small stuff in life that I can’t control and instead stay focused on the positives. My dad has always told me that I need to be like a duck and let the sh*t roll off my back, and I think I’m really going to work hard to use that sage advice. It’s definitely going to be hard to do all these things, especially because I tend to be very jaded, cynical and pessimistic, but I’m going to do my best and work very hard to turn my frown upside down and become a better person for my son and for my sanity!!!!

If I looked in a crystal ball 3 years ago I would never have believed that the life I’m leading today would be my reality. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself, it’s like I went from kid to mom in the blink of an eye… When I found out I was pregnant I knew that my life was going to change, I knew it wasn’t all about me anymore, but I never thought that I would go into mom mode so quickly and I never thought that I’d be the last person I’d think about… I have always been the type of person that thought about others, who was always there to help my family or friends, I was a shoulder to cry on, a good listener, but I usually expected something in return. Lets face it, I was a naive and sometimes self centered fifteen year old, so basically I was like any other kid. But it amazes me how all that changed the second I found out I was pregnant, and even more so after Lucas was born. Lucas is my world, all that matters in my life is that he’s safe, happy and healthy. I guess before I had a baby I never expected that something could take precedent over my needs/wants/feelings/etc. A lot of the things that I thought were important to me before are now things that I couldn’t care less about or that I just have no place for in my life. I thought I’d die if I didn’t get to watch my favorite show, I would get pissed at my parents if they didn’t let me stay up late or go out with friends. Back then I didn’t have any real responsibilities, my priorities included working, school, homework, and friends. But now every single one of those things has taken a back burner. Yes I want to do well in school, yes I want to work hard and make money so I can give my child everything he wants, yes I want to still have somewhat of a social life, but when it comes down to it Lucas trumps all those things. If I couldn’t go to school or couldn’t work or could never see my friends again I’d be okay with that, as long as I had my son.

Another change I’ve seen in myself in the past few years is that I’ve totally become my mom! Whenever I was in trouble as a child and sent to my room I’d always say to myself that I’d never be like her, that I’d never do this or that to my children, that I’d be the coolest mom ever and never yell at them or punish them, blah blah blah. And sometimes during a fight, in the heat of the moment, I’d say something along those lines to my mom and she always laughed. She had to have told be a thousand times “wait until you have kids”, and “what comes around goes around”, but being a stubborn teen I never listened and I completely believed that I would be so different… Well, all I can say is who’s laughing now? I am EXACTLY like my mom!!! And in the past few months as Lucas has gotten his own personality and started being defiant, I have thanked God (and my mom) that she was the way she was and she raised all of us the way she did, because she taught me how to be the parent I am today. Sure I don’t want to do EVERYTHING the same, but hey, she raised six of us and none of us are too messed up, so she must have done something right, right?

For the past few months Lucas has HATED to wear a diaper. Every time he’s in just a diaper it is off in less than 5 minutes. I try to not leave him in one because I know this and I have had one too many incidents where he has taken it off and pooped all over the floor… I’ve tried everything to make him keep them on except for using duct tape (although I just might do it one of these days… lol) It used to be that if he had any kind of pants or shorts on he’s leave it alone, but now he has mastered the art of taking those off too, so the only way to keep his bum covered is in a onsie or overalls. Anyway, last weekend we were in Dunkin Donuts in Boston waiting for a friend of mine to get there with her son so we could take the kids to the sprinklers. Another one of my friends works there so we’re pretty well known and they all love Lucas and don’t mind if he runs around inside, as long as I keep an eye on him of course. I really had to pee so I asked my friend if she could watch him for 2 minutes and she said no problem. Well, she didn’t do too good of a job if you ask me… I came out of the bathroom no more than 3 minutes later and Lucas is standing there in his shirt and NOTHING else, and he’s waving his poopy diaper in the air, he has poop all over him, and there’s a bunch of poop on the floor. I looked at him and screamed, and he just stared at me and laughed uncontrollably! And to top it off a Boston cop happened to be walking into the store at that very moment… Lets just say I was completely mortified and I won’t be letting that particular friend to babysit again anytime soon…

In 1 day, 5 hours and 24 min my little baby is going to be two years old! Two years old? Where the hell did that come from? Seriously, I have no clue where the past two years of my life have gone. Looking back on it I’m kind of flabbergasted at how fast it has gone by and how much my life has changed, how much I personally have changed and how much my little boy has grown.

Most of you know about my story, but I’m feeling a bit nostalgic tonight so I’ll share it again… Lucas was born via an emergency c-section at 29 weeks gestation on July 27th 2008, he weighed 1lb 14oz and was a mere 14″ long. He was wisked off to the NICU before I even had a chance to see him. No one thought he was going to survive through the night and I was constantly being told to prepare for the worst. Well, my little fighter made it through the first night and the second and the third and after only ten days he was taken off the vent! Lucas spent the first 3 months of his life in the NICU and the day I brought him home was the second scariest of my life… I was so afraid to even touch him. When I was in the NICU with him there were nurses and doctors around constantly to help me but when I went home I was on my own and I was so afraid that I’d do something wrong or I’d hurt him because he was just so small and frail.

I know you hear this constantly, but the saying is so true that I feel the need to repeat it, having a baby really does change everything… When I found out I was pregnant I was scared about the reactions I was going to recieve, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do the things I wanted to do with my life, I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it or if I’d be a good mom. But those feelings were nothing compared to when he was born and the chanllenges that faced us then. It went from will I be a good mom to will my son survive the night, will he be able to grow up like a normal child, will I be able to cope with things if he does have a dissability or sickness? These are things that it would be hard for any mom to have to think about, and they are things that sixteen year old’s shouldn’t ever have to think about… But from the moment he was born these were the constant fears going through my head. I think that even if I had carried him to term I would have probably felt this way, like “am I ready to be completely responsible for the life of another human?”. Having a baby is a scary thing! It’s scary but it’s also the most amazing, wonderful, incredible thing that can happen to a woman.

I seriously never pictured myself at this age having a two year old, or even having a child at all… I was the good girl in the family, the smart and sensible one. I had plans, big plans, and having a baby wasn’t a part of those plans until I was at least 25 and married. But it happened. And if I could go back in time I wouldn do things exactly the same, deadbeat sd and all, because they are the things that gave me Lucas! He is my absolute pride and joy, the reason why I get up in the morning, why I live and breathe. I never imagined that I could feel this way about anyone or anything in my life. Watching my precious little boy grow, learn and explore the world every day is the most amazing gift I could have ever recieved, especially given the fact that I could have so easily lost him.

He has grown so much and so have I. When I had him I was still a scared kid, now I’m a scared adult! Lol. Even after having him I still saw myself as a kid. Yes I was a mom and yes he came first no matter what, but I still thought of myself as a sixteen year old high school student… But I soon realized that my life was a far cry from “normal”. While my friends were worrying about their dates for homecoming, or what party to go to on Friday night after the football game I was worrying about formula and diapers. And in the beggining I kind of resented the fact that I couldn’t do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted anymore. But as time went on I realized that I had soooooo much more than everyone else, I had someone at home who relied on me, who loved me unconditionally, who I got to go home to every night and cuddle with, who could make me smile no matter how rough things were! And of course it wasn’t (and still isn’t) always easy, because with the joys and wonders of motherfood also comes the moments when you just want to curl up in a ball on the floor crying or when you want to rip your hair out… But even with those moments the pros outweigh the cons one thousand times over.

Today Lucas is a crazy, happy, rambuncious, naughty, fun, loving, sweet, amazing little boy. He’s small but absolutely perfect in every way and I look at him every day and I’m so amazed at how far he’s come. I’m amazed at how far we’ve both come really… From a one pound baby to a crazy little boy and from a scared and lonely teenager to a mature, loving mother. I never thought that diapers and tanturms would be my life at 18 years old, but I’d take them any day over not having my baby in my arms!