YMBlogs ~ young mommies' voices!

In 1 day, 5 hours and 24 min my little baby is going to be two years old! Two years old? Where the hell did that come from? Seriously, I have no clue where the past two years of my life have gone. Looking back on it I’m kind of flabbergasted at how fast it has gone by and how much my life has changed, how much I personally have changed and how much my little boy has grown.

Most of you know about my story, but I’m feeling a bit nostalgic tonight so I’ll share it again… Lucas was born via an emergency c-section at 29 weeks gestation on July 27th 2008, he weighed 1lb 14oz and was a mere 14″ long. He was wisked off to the NICU before I even had a chance to see him. No one thought he was going to survive through the night and I was constantly being told to prepare for the worst. Well, my little fighter made it through the first night and the second and the third and after only ten days he was taken off the vent! Lucas spent the first 3 months of his life in the NICU and the day I brought him home was the second scariest of my life… I was so afraid to even touch him. When I was in the NICU with him there were nurses and doctors around constantly to help me but when I went home I was on my own and I was so afraid that I’d do something wrong or I’d hurt him because he was just so small and frail.

I know you hear this constantly, but the saying is so true that I feel the need to repeat it, having a baby really does change everything… When I found out I was pregnant I was scared about the reactions I was going to recieve, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do the things I wanted to do with my life, I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it or if I’d be a good mom. But those feelings were nothing compared to when he was born and the chanllenges that faced us then. It went from will I be a good mom to will my son survive the night, will he be able to grow up like a normal child, will I be able to cope with things if he does have a dissability or sickness? These are things that it would be hard for any mom to have to think about, and they are things that sixteen year old’s shouldn’t ever have to think about… But from the moment he was born these were the constant fears going through my head. I think that even if I had carried him to term I would have probably felt this way, like “am I ready to be completely responsible for the life of another human?”. Having a baby is a scary thing! It’s scary but it’s also the most amazing, wonderful, incredible thing that can happen to a woman.

I seriously never pictured myself at this age having a two year old, or even having a child at all… I was the good girl in the family, the smart and sensible one. I had plans, big plans, and having a baby wasn’t a part of those plans until I was at least 25 and married. But it happened. And if I could go back in time I wouldn do things exactly the same, deadbeat sd and all, because they are the things that gave me Lucas! He is my absolute pride and joy, the reason why I get up in the morning, why I live and breathe. I never imagined that I could feel this way about anyone or anything in my life. Watching my precious little boy grow, learn and explore the world every day is the most amazing gift I could have ever recieved, especially given the fact that I could have so easily lost him.

He has grown so much and so have I. When I had him I was still a scared kid, now I’m a scared adult! Lol. Even after having him I still saw myself as a kid. Yes I was a mom and yes he came first no matter what, but I still thought of myself as a sixteen year old high school student… But I soon realized that my life was a far cry from “normal”. While my friends were worrying about their dates for homecoming, or what party to go to on Friday night after the football game I was worrying about formula and diapers. And in the beggining I kind of resented the fact that I couldn’t do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted anymore. But as time went on I realized that I had soooooo much more than everyone else, I had someone at home who relied on me, who loved me unconditionally, who I got to go home to every night and cuddle with, who could make me smile no matter how rough things were! And of course it wasn’t (and still isn’t) always easy, because with the joys and wonders of motherfood also comes the moments when you just want to curl up in a ball on the floor crying or when you want to rip your hair out… But even with those moments the pros outweigh the cons one thousand times over.

Today Lucas is a crazy, happy, rambuncious, naughty, fun, loving, sweet, amazing little boy. He’s small but absolutely perfect in every way and I look at him every day and I’m so amazed at how far he’s come. I’m amazed at how far we’ve both come really… From a one pound baby to a crazy little boy and from a scared and lonely teenager to a mature, loving mother. I never thought that diapers and tanturms would be my life at 18 years old, but I’d take them any day over not having my baby in my arms!