YMBlogs ~ young mommies' voices!

99% of the time I live my life feeling beyond blessed. I have been extremely fortunate in my life. Things always seem to fall right into place, even when things seem to be a mess, it always comes together. My husband is the man of my dreams, I have beautiful children, a great relationship with my first sons father, an amazingly supportive family and friends who I trust. What more could a person truly want?

1% of the time I feel regretful. Wondering what my life would be like if I hadn’t gotten pregnant at 15 years old. Who would I be? Where would I have gone? I see my friends moving away, living on their own, discovering themselves and I feel jealously. I close my eyes imagine my life in a big city far away from here, an independent women and I long for that.

Flash back to reality. I found myself holding back tears the other day after I had settled Malik down from a tantrum during a therapy session. Even though these tantrums are a very rare occurrence I found myself thinking “is this really my life? I am only 20 years old” and then the guilt for even thinking such thoughts sets in.

Do we all feel this way? Are we always longing for something that will never be? Even if its only occasionally? Even when we have absolutely everything we ever wanted, the grass is somehow always greener. At least every once and awhile 😉

I remember myself at 9 or 10 years old, stick thin, standing in front of the mirror with my swim suit on and water balloons stuffed in the top. Even then I loved just the idea of it. One day I would be showing off my womanly shape that I was certain would come with time. As the years passed and I grew, I began to realized that the voluptuous shape I had been infatuated with would never be my reality, at least not naturally.

Before the birth of my first son I was a small B cup. Nothing tiny, but nothing large either. Right after his birth I was a full D. I was fortunate enough to lose my baby weight very quickly after he was born, and I was left with the figure I had always dreamed of…up untill I stopped nursing of course. This story is also true for what happened with my second son, but once I stopped nursing instead of the B cup I was before, I was left with hardly an A. Looking completely deflated, and certainly not looking like a 20 year old typically would. So there I was again, standing in front the mirror, looking far to similar to 10 years earlier, only this time I wasn’t a child, I was a woman, but I certainly didn’t look like one.

With a life long wish for curves that started before I can remember, and 2 beautiful child later, here I am, three days away from my surgery consultation. I would love to say that I am prepared, but I am honestly very nervous, even after countless late nights of research and conversations with my husband that lasted hours. Don’t get me wrong, I am also incredibly excited. I feel like a child waiting to open presents on Christmas morning, giddy with excitement and anxious to see what is to come.