As a mom I believe the hardest thing to think of is being without my children. When I have thought about that I never associated it with the loss of a child still in the womb. Unfortunately, this has happened to me. I was not necessarily thrilled with being pregnant. I kept thinking, “I am not ready for another child. I really would like more me time and another baby will make that next to impossible.” I was thinking incredibly selfish. I already had 3 children and one was not even a year old yet. Well, one morning I was up doing my normal chores around the house when I felt something wet. I went into the bathroom and saw a bit of blood and started to panic. No I did not necessarily want another baby but I would still not want anything to happen to my baby once he or she was already conceived. I called my Aunt and had her come and get my three girls so I could go to the emergency room. After getting checked out I was told I had miscarried. I was heartbroken and slammed with guilt. I kept asking myself how I could let myself get pregnant so soon after having a baby and that maybe my body was not strong enough to have another baby. I kept telling myself that it was my fault because of the way I thought when I found out I was pregnant. I blamed myself and it was not right. You cannot always blame yourself for the hardships that you face in life. God made that little baby and God decided it was his/her time. No he/she did not get to see the world but there must have been a greater plan for him/her out there somewhere. I understand fully that a miscarriage is a heart wrenching thing whether or not the pregnancy was planned but I have tried to look at it from a different perspective. I have tried to see the positive (not much in it I know but I’m trying not to let myself get too down since I do have other children depending on me). Now I can fully focus on my three girls; I can focus on school; I can focus on getting my body in shape and being healthier just in care my husband and I ever decide to have another child. I can go to sleep at night knowing that even though I did not get to meet my baby that he or she is taken care of. So if you have suffered this kind of loss just think, your baby IS being taken care of. This is the ONLY thing that has been keeping me going is that knowing deep in my heart that my sweet little baby is in good hands. I know everyone has different beliefs but I am hoping that sharing this gives someone a way to feel a little bit better.
Loss of a Child
February 26th, 2013growing Taylor
December 23rd, 2012My entire life whenever I thought about what kind of mother I wanted to be I knew I wanted to stay home with my kids until my youngest went into kindergarten. I wanted to be the mom who volunteered at her kids school, drove them everywhere, made every meal from scratch and had dinner on the table in a spotless house when my husband came home from work all while raising a handful of beautiful polite children. Having my son early changed things slightly, I hadn’t yet finished high school and I had no husband to support us. I knew to be able to give my son the kind of life I wanted for him when he was 6 weeks old I started attending school with him in daycare down the hall. It was the most amazing compromise and I was very happy with my decision. Unfortunately for reasons beyond my control that stopped being an option when my son was about 7 months old. (I will do a blog about this later) It was pretty disappointing but I was secretly thrilled I’d be able to spend my whole day devoted to my sweet little boy! Over the next year I tried to go back to school several times but could not stand leaving him. I was very blessed to have amazing family support that allowed me to stay home with him.
I thoroughly enjoyed doing nothing but raising my son for the next year and a half, but shortly after his second birthday I knew it was time for a change. I had completely lost myself in my motherhood, I referred to myself mommy in public without even realizing it several times, I had no outside life I spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week alone with my son and you could tell. I was going stir crazy, my brain was turning to mush and I desperately needed some adult (non mom) interaction. I applied for my local college and was accepted! I was beyond excited, I was finally taking the steps needed to be able to provide for myself and my son! Yet something still didn’t feel quite right, I was having an awful time finding a daycare I trusted. On a whim I decided to apply for college in the city I grew up in, 5 hours from my current city, 5 hours from my mom, and 5 hours from my mommy friends! I was accepted, and found a preschool there I loved instantly! It truly seems meant to be 🙂
My son will be two and a half January 16th, January 7th I start college. I am thrilled to be able to learn more about who I am as a person, if I don’t take this time to grow into myself I don’t know how I will be able to help Grayson grow into anyone. I know it will be hard to leave my son but I am no good to him unless I take the time to work on myself. I have a long road ahead of me, 4.5 years of being a single momma in college. I am terrified but it feels right. I can’t wait to see who I become!
Prenatal Screening and Spina Bifida
December 21st, 2012A little over three years ago, I learned that I was pregnant. I was young and it was unexpected and terrifying. I’ve always loved children, my own mother had me young and did an amazing job and I had an overwhelming amount of support! I could do it, because in the end it would be worth everything. I spent the first three months huddled on the couch with horrible morning sickness, quickly learning I was about to be a single parent and I thought the worst was over.
At the end of my first trimester I went for the integrated prenatal screen (IPS) a screen for abnormalities in the baby, Down Syndrome being the most common found. When deciding to do the test I did my research and learned that because of my age, family history and the fact that I am a healthy person the likelihood of anything being wrong was slim to none. The test was quite simple and non-invasive, a round of bloodwork, an ultrasound, and another round of bloodwork.
I went for the first set of bloodwork with my biggest fear being the bloodwork itself, I’ve always hated needles. I was ecstatic about the opportunity to see my little baby during the ultrasound. I forgot about the test entirely until the second set of bloodwork, then carried on as usual, I was confident nothing would be wrong, how could it be when the little baby in the picture was so perfect? The day I got the phone call my world stopped, the doctor needed me to come in to discuss the results, something might be seriously wrong, I couldn’t breathe.
I was a wreck the next 2 days waiting for that appointment. The results were in there was a positive for Spina Bifida, I knew what Spina Bifida was, and I knew what the future would look like if it was true. I was sent to a geneticist who asked about family history, and given a more accurate ultrasound. Then came more waiting.
It was by far the scariest and longest couple weeks of my life, weeks where I cried myself to sleep every night, where I broke out crying in class almost daily. Finally the appointment came where I saw the geneticist again for the official results. I had a slightly increased risk (0.37% when the average is 0.1 – 0.2%) but it was very likely my son would be born healthy!
Honestly there were still times I worried for him, I very rarely felt movements during my pregnancy, he was late learning to sit and he never really crawled. Today watching him run and play outside, I remembered that time when I was told he may never be able to do any of those things, it hit me with such force I found myself yet again crying over the results from that test. This time they were tears of joy, I am beyond thankful for my little wild man and his ability to run and play and be his wild self. I will never take it for granted, and when he’s old enough I will share this story with him so he too won’t take it for granted.
Every woman of child bearing age should be taking a multivitamin containing at least 0.4mg of folic acid daily. This reduces the chance of neural tube defects by approximately 70%. To learn more about Spina Bifida please visit http://www.cdc.gov/Features/SpinaBifidaProgram/index.html
Poem: “Just Like Me”
July 27th, 2011Here is a poem one of our members wrote… Even though it’s from a ways back (when we had our Communities), I just had to share when I stumbled upon it! 🙂
Author: Justine Aubrey
The stick turned pink and that was that,
the day my old life left and would never come back.
My friends dwindled as my belly grew,
I felt alone, scared, and with out a clue.
Married, with child, at such a young age,
I watched my friends go out and play,
college, the party life, and who knows what else,
sometimes they came around, but I was always by myself.
A baby brought a joy to my life,
and also the reality that I was a mother and a wife.
People starred at the child I held, ones I used to identify with myself.
They didnt understand that my duties were at home,
sometimes it was so difficult, young and on my own.
2 a.m. feedings for us meant two different things,
while I sat up feeding baby, they were drunk eating pancakes.
They didnt understand why I couldnt stop what I do,
to go hang out with them, they didnt have a clue.
Alone, with a child, a husband, as his wife,
I felt trapped and alone, nothing for a life.
Searching with my keyboard, I came across a place,
with women just like me, young, married, kids,
curiousity struck my face…
Young Married Mommies, a group of girls like me!
I was shocked, I was excited, and most of all relieved!
My heart always told me, that life was right on track,
even though my new life took some getting used to,
and my old life would not come back.
I met wonderful women, who understood my pains,
they understood the importance of what was to be gained.
They related to my hardships, never once was judged,
for they understood being a young married mommy,
and filled my heart with love.
We share our stories, we laugh sometimes, we vent, complain and give advice.
We send congrats and internet hugs, and welcome with open arms,
to girls just like us.
I have shared the birth of one more baby,
some members did the same.
we’ve added others to our group,
with open minds and loving hearts,
because these women are just that way.
I may not see them face to face,
but thats alright to me,
and when my husband goes off to work,
sometimes I’m lonely,
but wth out fail, I can head to the net
and click just one, two, three,
and there is always something going on,
with the girls who are just like me.
