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Labour Journal I went into labour on December 11th after 11pm. Not surprising, since I'd cleaned the house from top to bottom and baked 4 seets of cookies that afternoon! Unfortunately, the labour turned out to be "prodromal labour"... which is neither "false labour" nor "active labour", but something in between (that they should really warn women about in prenatal class!). In prodromal labour, you have contractions that can be quite regular and painful (mine were usually both) that are progressing the cervix (I made it to at least 2cm) but at a very slow speed. Since we already had a C-section booked for December 29th, we knew we would not be waiting forever! After 2 and a half weeks of prodromal labour, we are going in for our C-section as scheduled. I am sad to not be able to try a VBAC (especially after going into labour so early and thinking I would get that chance for sure!), but in the end, I am very glad that the wait is over and that I can finally go meet my miracle baby boy! Here are my journals from the time I spent in labour... Stay tuned for his birth story, which will be posted when I'm back from the hospital (and have a few moments to spare!) December 12th, 2004 ~ 11:20am I think I may be in early labour!!! At this point, I'm still not sure, and know that it could just be a false start, but I have been having signs of early labour for a while now that don't seem to be slowing down (even when I do!). About 12 hours ago, I woke up starting having contractions. Within an hour, I'd had about 8-10 really strong contractions that felt really different from both the Braxton-Hicks contractions I've been having for a few months and the pre-labour type contractions I've been having for a week or two. I felt the squeezing a lot higher up in my belly, and (like the pre-labour contractions), these ones also circled right around to my back. Those first few contractions really hurt! After that first hour, I decided to get up and move around a bit at this point to see if they were real contractions or pre/false-labour ones. But even with some juice, walking around, sitting up, going to the washroom, etc., I still had another 4 contractions by 1am. They were alot less noticeable though, so I decided to go back to bed and try to get some sleep. They were mostly mild enough to sleep through, although I remember waking up to toss and turn quite a few times in the night and feeling a few more conctractions. Harmony let us sleep in until 9am (she was pretty tired too!) and when I got up, I started keeping track of the contractions again. They aren't as noticeable when I'm up and moving around (I think I had a couple while I was in the shower, but couldn't truly tell if they were contractions or just the baby pushing around a lot), but many have been obvious enough to tell me that there is still something happening! I have had other signs of early labour as well, like heartburn, nausea, etc. No sign of my water breaking or mucous plug or anything like that though, so I am mostly going by the contractions. Right now they are anywhere from 8 to 25 minutes apart though, so I feel that even if this is "the real thing", I will probably have most of the day until I find out for sure! Avery is really reacting to them as well- he was awake while I was in the middle of the night and has been wiggling around this morning too. Sometimes I'll feel my belly get really tight with a contraction, and he will just push right back against the squeezing! So right now I am just waiting, trying to figure out if this is "it" or not. Mostly I am in denial that it could be the real thing, since it's soooo early (I'm not quite 37 weeks!), but sometimes when I get a really strong contraction, I am just so excited and nervous and freaked out that Avery could be on his way soon! December 12th, 2004 ~ 1:40pm If this isn't "the real thing", it sure is one heck of a rehearsal! The contractions have stayed regular, become stronger, and closer together. They are now about 10 minutes apart and occasionally 5! In between contractions, I still feel like "Nah, I couldn't possibly be in labour", but as soon as a big contraction comes along, there is very little doubt. Avery is still really reacting to the contractions and although most days, he is seldom awake at this time, he has been awake and active a lot of today. He had the hiccups about an hour ago too, poor little guy. I've started to lose my concentration a little - maybe just feeling spacey because of all the excitement! I really feel like going on a walk, so I might head over to Shoppers after eating a little something, to grab a few last minute things like magazines, more pads, etc. Paul would drive me home though (and take Harmony with him, she is unfortunately having "one of those days")! We've called Paul's mom to let her know what's going on and that we might need her to come over tonight to be with Harmony! I've also let my grandma know, but other than that, we haven't told anyone we might be in early labour because we just don't know for sure yet! So we're still mostly in the "wait and see" stage, but it's looking more and more like we may be taking a trip to the hospital this evening! (((blue notebook for hospital visit notes, etc. - will copy these over later))) December 14th, 2004 ~ 10:20pm After two and half days of this, I'm feeling exhausted, frustrated, disapointed, anxious, impatient, and about a million other things, but I'm really trying hard to stay positive. My mantra, taken from the many sources I've been reading, is "it doesn't last forever!". Which can be hard to remember during the more painful of the contractions, which are still coming at least every 5-10 minutes apart (and haven't stopped or slowed down since getting to that point). I've looked it up and heard this hellish experience nicknamed many different things - latent labour, early labour, pre-labour, prodomal/prodromal labour. The medical community can't seem to pick one word/definition and stick with it. However, women who are experiencing it seem to have one common sentiment - a "kill me, kill me now" type of building frustration that I can certainly relate to! I was chatting with my mother-in-law yesterday and she said "I guess even if you haven't had the baby by Sunday, you probably still won't feel up to having us for that dinner" and my general response was that if I haven't had this baby by Sunday I would likely have a rope around my neck. Obviously I'm joking and it's not that bad, but it is incredibly frustrating to be in this limbo-land of uncertainty. At least things are starting to become a little more clear, though... Despite the stress of being at the hospital twice (and being sent home twice!), we did get some answers there. First of all, it looks like the gush and trickling I felt on Sunday afternoon was not likely my waters breaking - they think it was just the mucous plug, etc. It continued to trickle for about 24 hours, but has slowed down since then, so I'm more inclided to agree with them at this point. Towards the end of the trickling, I saw some "bloody show" on my pad (kind of a pinkish peachy stuff), and then haven't had much fluid since then. I'm glad we double-extra-checked it out though, because of the history of what happened when my membranes ruptured with Harmony (they didn't believe me until they searched again and found that indeed they had!). But even though this felt like the exact same thing happening, it doesn't look like the membranes have ruptured, so currently I don't have to worry about an infection harming the baby, etc. The only downside to this is that with intact membranes, they've sent me home with the reminder that this stage of labour can sometimes last for days and that there is no medical reason to do anything other than wait. I want to be able to trust that my body is doing what it needs to do, and that I will be holding my little baby boy in my arms very soon, but it is hard to keep my energy up and stay positive and focused without driving myself nuts at the same time. So right now I am trying to do a few little things to kick-start this labour and get things going a little more, but to mainly just keep coping with the contractions as they come and hoping for things to pick up on their own. I am following the advice in our prenatal class binder of alternating between restful/distracting activities and labour-stimulating activities, and Paul and I will be hitting the mall soon to give tons of walking a try! December 14th, 2004 ~ 4:15pm The marathon labour continues, but things are still progressing so I am able to cope with the pain of the contractions and just the whole frustration of it all... I think as long as I can feel like my body is getting somewhere, I can deal with letting it take its time! The contractions are still at least every 5-10 minutes and I am still getting a lot of really strong ones. We got back from the mall a while ago, and I've had a short nap since then (maybe 10 minutes of actual sleep in the hour I spent lying down, but I'll take what I can get). I think all the walking has helped, even though my hips are really aching from it! While we were there, we had a really spicy lunch, since spicy foods are something that I've heard can help along a slow-to-start labour. I also found had some raspberry tea while I was there and brought a few tea bags home so we'll see if that helps too. I know some of these little tips and tricks may just be old wives' tales, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything... within reason and if it is still safe for Avery and I, of course! Also, it's not like I'm trying to artificially bring on labour from a zero starting point - I've been in labour for almost 3 days, and want to help my body keep things going! The great news is that things do seem to be going somewhere, albeit still very slowly. Before we left for the mall this morning, I called my OB's office just to confirm my appointment tomorrow and to update my Dr. on the news. When I told the receptionist I'd been in latent labour for a while, she asked if I wanted to come in today, so I said sure! I was able to squeeze in to see my OB right before lunch, and she actually told me that being in prodromal labour was one of her fears when she was pregnant because she knows how much of a nightmare it can be! She gave me some good news and bad news. The bad news was that even after 2 and a half days, my body could decide to just call it quits and I could still not end up in active labour for a long time. However, this "generally speaking" bad news was then outbalanced (in my opinion anyways) with some good news directly related to my own situation, so I'm focusing more on the good news... After an internal check, my OB found that my cervix was getting quite soft, and that I was 1 cm dilated!!! I know 1 cm doesn't seem like much when you have to get to 10, but it's been this news that has kept me going all day since. At least my body seems to be actually getting somewhere with all these contractions! So it was definitely worth the trip to see my OB and it was much better than the hospital, where they strap you down and hook you up to the monitor for hours and hours, which can really slow down your labour (because you're not moving around as much and you're getting all stressed out!). My own OB was a lot more understanding than the other Dr.s as well, and acknowledged that prodromal labour is still painful and tiring, etc., even if it's not "true/active" labour. I feel a little more confident that my body is just trying it's best to do this work of getting this baby out, and that it just needs a little more time than other bodies is all. So basically all I can do at this point is wait things out, but the Dr. did say that if I was finding myself too exhausted that I could go back to triage and that they could give me some meds so I could get some decent sleep. I did sleep a little better last night than I did the previous two though, so I'll see how tonight goes. I am going to try having a warm bath and maybe even a glass of wine before bed tonight (which are both things on the list of things to try for coping with a long latent labour stage!) so we'll see if those help. I am still hoping to get to meet Avery very soon, but have renewed strength and faith that he'll come when he's ready, even if that takes another day or two. As long as he's healthy and safe in there, I'll keep doing my best! December 15th, 2004 ~ 2:40pm Still in labour, still having regular contractions, still waiting... Nothing seems to be able to get this labour into gear! I've got a list of things I'm trying to do to get into active labour and another list of things to do to try to get some decent rest and sleep, but nothing seems to be helping. I'm still not able to sleep more than a few fragmented hours during the night, and my hips and back are so sore I feel like going over to the local pool and asking if I can camp out in their "warm pool" for as long as it takes to get this baby interested in coming out! Last night, it took an hour to wind down to a point where I could sleep - a warm bath, warm shower, a glass of wine, and a massage (thanks to my very patient hubby!) finally relaxed me enough to get me settled off for the night. Paul was exhausted too, and we were both ready to sleep by 9:30. Then a phone call from Jo-Ann at the ungodly hour of 11pm jarred us right back out of sleep again. This after an afternoon of many calls and messages - "Any news yet?" "You're not home so you must be at the hospital having the baby!!!". Even from people who had been assured that we'd call them the minute there was any news. I'm going nuts. It's hard enough trying to be patient with my own body, let alone trying to deal with other people putting pressure on it to spit out this baby already. We've since turned off all the phones on two floors of the house and changed our phone message. I think I know what women who are overdue feel like! Not sure which is worse though - neither concepts seem to be understood well enough by most family members, who seem to be under the impression that every single woman fits that normal pattern of water breaking or contractions starting right around the magical due date, then baby coming out within a day or two. Very depressing not to be part of this "majority", but then again, I can't say that I knew anything about this prodromal labour stuff before going through it myself and can sort of understand the confusion and impatience everyone else is experiencing since of course I am feeling very confused and impatient myself! The fact that some women can be in prodromal labour for days and days and days is just too exhausting for me to even think about right now. Every time I have a really strong contraction, I just can't help thinking "There's no way these can't be doing something to my cervix!!" (not to mention "There's no way I can keep having these for a week!"). I can at least thank my lucky stars that this prelabour (miserable as it is sometimes) is not showing any signs of slowing down or stopping. My contractions have not stopped since Saturday night. I am trying my best to ignore them as a general rule so that I can maintain my sanity for the long haul, but still keep an eye on them and taking the time to clearly track them once in a while. Which really helps because during the day when I'm moving around, sometimes I think it was a long time between two contractions, but when I'm actually looking at the clock, I find out that what felt like 20 minutes in between was actually like, 8! I had a rest today for about an hour while watching a movie and kept track of my contractions by turning on the clock on the VCR only when I felt one coming (so that I wasn't watching the minutes tick by and putting any pressure on myself!). They are anywhere from 2-10 minutes - still alternating between strong ones and smaller ones, but even the strong ones tend to be no more than 10 minutes apart. Other positive signs- I've started trickling fluid again, after sitting down and feeling an all-of-a-sudden "gush". Not getting my hopes up since last time what I thought was my waters breaking turned out just to be the mucous plug, but it is a small chance that maybe it's a leak of amniotic fluid. Until I have a puddle on the floor, I am not getting too excited though. I'm also feeling a lot of pressure on my pelvic floor, so I'm hoping the baby's head is continuing to push down. I'd only moved one station (from -4 to -3) in that first day of latent labour, but maybe since then he has moved down even lower. If I keep trickling fluid like this though, it might be worth a trip to the hospital tomorrow to find out if it might be a rupture of the membranes. And as much as I hate triage with a passion by this point, it would also be good to know if I was another few centimetres dilated yet. I can only hope! Very helpful sources that have kept me sane during this waiting stage: December 16th, 2004 ~ 10:00am After a really restless night last night, I am having a much better morning. Yesterday afternoon and evening were really frustrating for me - I found I was just so restless and uncomfortable. I paced the house, feeling so tired. But when I tried to lie down, I found it so hard to get any rest. The phone rang almost non-stop during the afternoon and evening, with people ignoring our changed message. When I was feeling up to making my usual round of evening phone calls, I got very mixed reactions. The first person I called (grandma Dee-Dee) absolutely bit my head off and started yelling at me. Even though I'd reassured her we'd call her if there was any actual news and that otherwise I'd try to call her every night, she was really upset that I wasn't able to take her calls whenever she called us - she was probably one of the people who kept calling us throughout the day without taking the hint that we weren't able to jump to the phone every minute to say "still no news". Harmony's grandmother also left two messages saying "I really need an update!" even though we'd told her we would call in the evening and that we would call sooner if anything actually changed. Thankfully, my other grandma (grandma Toni) was a relief to talk to - she is so laid back. Her advice was just to be patient, relax, try to enjoy, and that he'll come when it's time, which was exactly what I've been trying to convince myself for these many days. I also talked to my Dad, who helped sort things out by calling JoAnn and Dee-Dee and telling them to relax (here's hoping they will heed his advice!). Then after that crazy evening, Paul and I went to go relax on the couch for a while with some hot chocolate. We just chatted about everything and just distracted ourselves by going back to our usual evening routine of just chilling out and talking about anything and everything (last night, it was trying to remember famous painting, famous buildings, and what some of the Seven Wonders of the World were!). So that really helped, because it was just like any other evening for us, except for the contractions I kept having that I tried to just put out of my mind for that time. He gave me another massage before bed, and the hip squeezes and counter-pressure on my lower back really helped relieve some of the aching in my low back and hips, and also changed some of the sensations I was having - the trickle of fluid increased when he was doing hip squeezes, so maybe it is helping to dislodge whatever may be left of that mucous plug? I slept okay, although Harmony's alarm woke us up at midnight (she might have been playing with her clock earlier, what great timing!)!! And of course I was up at 2:30-ish (as usual, it seems!) for a bathroom break and with stronger contractions. The contractions pretty much kept me awake until our alarm went off anyways, and were so strong at one point I was on all fours leaning over my pillows to try to get some relief from the pressure they were putting on my lower back. But despite being exhausted, I've actually been having a good morning. Paul actually went back to work today, since at this rate we would have plenty of warning if he needed to come home to drive us to the hospital! Unless by some miracle my waters fully broke, which would be wonderful (although I'm not getting my hopes up at this point). I still have my doubts about the theory that they haven't broken yet, and worry that there's still a slow leak somewhere (I am still trickling fluid and it just doesn't feel or look like what you'd think the mucous plug would), but at this point I'm not up to facing another visit to triage to find out whether or not I'm right. I think even if it has been a slow leak since Sunday, it may not be enough for them to detect and they wouldn't consider any interventions just based on what I'm feeling anyways. Other than the leaking, I'm still having the usual little cues and clues that things are still happening. There has been a little more bloody show. And of course the contractions are continuing as they have been, still with no break or slowing down. I did another set of keeping track of them for 40 minutes and they are still every 2-10 minutes with a stronger and longer one at least every 10. The stronger ones are still just as painful, I would say about as strong as the ones I was having on my second morning of labour with Harmony (before they induced me with pitocin and I started hard labour). They haven't gotten noticeably stronger, unfortunately, but they may not until my cervix manages to get to 3-4cm (which I'm really hoping and praying it's on it's way to getting to!). As for what the next step is (besides waiting)... Until things change, we're just going to try to keep to our regular routines and scheduled events (like Harmony's Christmas pageant tonight, which I'm really looking forward to), and that I'll just try to keep labour going with all my little tips and tricks (I started the morning with a cup of raspberry tea and have spent the time since then alternating between restful and labour-stimulating activities) and cope with the pain as best I'm able to. Paul and I talked about it last night and we decided that at some point soon, we'd like to get things checked out to make sure the baby is still doing just fine in there (get another non-stress test done with the monitor to see if his heart rate is good, he's responding okay to the contractions, etc.), and also to find out how much farther I've progressed. So if there's no sign of Avery by this Saturday, we'll go in to the hospital again to get checked out. By then, I'll have been in prodromal labour for almost a full week, and it will have been 4 days snice the last check of how things are going. We'll go in the afternoon so that if by that point I'm feeling like I need to get a shot of something to help me sleep that night, I can opt for that. I really hate the idea of morphine though (even though my OB says it's safe for the baby and will just make him a little sleepy as well), but I also hate the idea of going into active labour on a week of so few hours of sleep! So I'm really hoping that we don't have to wait until Saturday to see how things are going and that instead, Avery will be making his grand entrance! December 16th, 2004 ~ 9:50pm Today was a really good balance of everything... I didn't feel too frustrated, didn't feel like I was getting too stressed or in too much pain. Just actively waiting! Fell into a good routine of patterns and rhythms for the day like pacing around the house, stretching, resting, etc. Having very small signs that things are going somewhere, and I'm excited about them even though they may not be any indication that I'm actually getting closer to active labour. I have noticed my contractions getting more painful though - even some of the less painful ones are now comparable to what the strongest ones used to be, and there is a new level of what I would consider the "worst" ones. I've also noticed (TMI warning) that I'm leaking a lot more colostrum and today was able to squeeze out a few tiny drops. So that's really encouraging, whether it's a sign of active labour on it's way soon, or even just a sign that my body is getting ready to breastfeed. Also (I'll add a TMI warning here as well...), my actual mucous plug came out! Like, I found the actual little plug in my pad. I know it sounds kinda yucky (Paul wasn't as thrilled as I was about it, but I can't blame him), but it was actually kind neat! Although it also really makes me wonder what all that fluid I've been leaking has been and whether or not I do have a slow leak somewhere. But I'll still try to wait until Saturday to find out. I think it's going to be hard waiting another couple days to find out how things are going, but I want to give my body lots of time to do what it needs to do. Since Avery is still moving really well, I am confident he's doing just fine in there. And although that morphine for sleep is sounding really tempting, I think can wait another few days before I totally keel over from exhaustion. I'm really curious about how far I may be dilated and effaced by now, and feel like I could be 2-3cm and maybe halfway effaced by now, based on where I started from and how long it took to get to 30% effaced and 1cm dilated. I am kinda hoping that at the rate I'm going, I will have dilated to 4 or 5 cm by Saturday and that they'll decided to "keep me". Although they still wouldn't be able to medically induce me at that point (nor would I want them too, knowing the increased risk of uterine rupture and fetal death!), there may be other options at that point, and I would probably start going a lot faster once I hit 5 cm anyways. Alternatively, if I'm still only at 1 or 2 by the weekend, I'll know that all these contractions are really not worth it, and will probably switch focus to trying to ignore my signs of labour without trying to keep it going or naturally augment it at all. Then I could just cope with the contractions as they continued, but without having my hopes up of going into labour anytime soon. For now though, I still have hope! It's what keeps me going through the strong contractions (even when it feels so ridiculous to cheer them on, saying "Yay, that one really hurt!!") and keeps the exhaustion from overwhelming me too much. Okay, off to try another night of sleep - my 6th night in labour. Hopefully I can get more than a couple hours this time. December 17th, 2004 ~ 9:10am In a lot of pain this morning, but happy about what it might mean. Contractions are now much stronger and coming closer together. I'm no longer having a pattern of milder ones with stronger ones - they are all strong and noticeable. Last night was really miserable, I don't think I slept more than a few fragmented minutes here and there. This morning I was also feeling really worried because I didn't feel Avery move for a couple hours (must've jinxed myself by talking about how well he was moving and how confident I was that he was perfectly okay!). So I parked myself on the couch with some juice for an hour to track his movements and the contractions. He moved about 6 times, thank God, although still doesn't seem to be his busy rolly-polly self. I don't want to be over-reacting to things (Avery's slowing down, or the increase in strength and timing of the contractions), but I don't want to just ignore things either. So I'm just going to try to "tough it out" for the day (and see where these contractions go), while Harmony and Paul are at their last days of school and work. And then if things keep going at this rate, I will be heading into triage later this afternoon or this evening to check things out, instead of waiting until Saturday. With the strength of these contractions, though, I would not be surprised to be (finally) having this baby tonight or tomorrow! December 18th, 2004 ~ 12:50pm Our third visit to the labour and delivery floor was last night, and the only news is that there is no new news! On the positive side, Avery is doing absolutely wonderfully, so that was a huge relief. Even though the monitor showed that his heart rate went up (from the 150s to the 170s) with every contraction, the Dr. said that was totally normal and actually a good sign (a bad sign would've been if his heart rate were going down with each contraction). So baby seems perfectly healthy in there, and since finding that out was the main objective of the trip, I would have to say that overall our visit went well. On the other side of things, we found out the very discouraging news that I haven't made any more progress since Tuesday. So despite the fact that my contractions have increased in both intensity and frequency, they haven't been able to move things along in any observable ways. Unfortunately, there's still absolutely nothing they can do. They weren't even able to give me any pain medication to help me sleep because I happen to be allergic to their preferred sleeping aid (lorazepam) and the other choices (demerol, morphine) would only be given if I were in active labour because they would be able to monitor Avery to make sure he isn't having a bad reaction to it. The OB said any over-the-counter sleep aid has a chance of not being safe for the baby (chances I'm not willing to take) and that even a glass of wine is safer than anything else out there (but isn't something she can officially recommend, and not something I'm willing to do on a regular basis anyways). So basically as far as getting any decent sleep goes, I'm out of luck. I'm a little dizzy with sleep deprivation after a week of this, but the plus side is that in comparisson, I may feel really rested when I have a newborn who "only" wakes me up every hour or two to nurse (instead of contractions waking me up every few minutes). The only recommendations given in terms of coping with the discomfort/pain/sleeplessness is to try to relax and stay distracted. So I'll be focusing my energies there and not be bothering with any of the labour-stimulating activities I've spent the week doing (since they obviously didn't help get things going any!). At this point, we're also changing our perspective and trying not to get our hopes up that we'll get to meet our little guy before Christmas. Unless my membranes rupture, it looks like I will have to just endure this prodromal labour stuff until our booked C-section date. Which is only a maximum of another 11 days, that's not so far away! It's exciting to think that we will be holding Avery in our arms soon enough, regardless of whether this labour goes anywhere or we have to wait until the 29th. Sometimes with all this stuff going on, it's hard to remember that the end result is still going to be delivering a baby, and that we won't have to wait forever to see him! December 19th, 2004 ~ 7:40pm Not coping all that well today. I've been trying to stay strong, stay distracted, just enjoy "normal" things and try not to focus on the labour too much, but with contractions still coming every few minutes, that's been very difficult. They are still very painful, and I'm finding that I really notice when I'm due to take another Tylenol (which is all I can take for the pain). Since I'm still not sleeping, I feel really exhausted and out of it. I had a rest in bed this afternoon (after Paul, Harmony and I spent the afternoon baking!), but still couldn't sleep at all. At this point, I'm just trying to think a lot about Avery and remember that I only have to go through another 9 days of this (at most!) until I'm holding him in my arms! December 21st, 2004 ~ 8:00pm Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, but I'm starting to feel so frustrated and impatient about how things are progressing. We're trying to make plans for Christmas, but things are so unpredictable that it's difficult to do that. If I weren't still in labour and hadn't had the baby by now, I think I'd be feeling more confident that I would still be pregnant at Christmas and that we'd make it to the C-section date in a week. But with being in labour, there's this constant feeling that something could happen any minute! Even though I'm trying not to get my hopes up, there's still the matter of being prepared for anything, and the feeling that walking around with no mucous plug, a dilated cervix, and regular painful contractions, I have a greater chance of having things just pick up all of a sudden on me (or having my waters just break at any given moment). Just a bit of pressure to be under, I would say! Meanwhile, life goes on... which is a good thing and a bad thing in a way. Today it has been mostly a bad thing - mostly an "I'm in labour and in pain, how can the world still be normal?" upset feeling. Like I feel like the world should just pause for a moment, give me a chance to breathe, give me a chance to cope with everything. But there still seems to be work to be done. Didn't want to come to the door today when I was in my jammies, don't feel like talking on the phone to say "still no baby", don't feel like dealing with people who don't seem to understand (or care) what labour means and that even though it's been slow doesn't mean it's gone away. Just because I'm trying to distract myself and focus on other things doesn't mean I don't notice my body sensations and what I'm experiencing. As usual, spending time with Paul and Harmony has been a blessing and a comfort. Yesterday we had a total "lazy holiday jammies day", starting with a "treat" holiday cereal for breakfast and with lots of cookies (we baked about 10 dozen on Sunday!). All three of us stayed in our PJs for the whole day and just kinda hung out together, it was a great distraction! It was kind of a break from everything, just enjoying the holidays. Today was an okay day too - we went to get portraits done (since I'm 38 weeks today) and got some wonderful pictures of my big belly. We got one portrait where we each placed one hand on Avery and got a close-up shot of the belly with the three hands. I can't wait to see how it turns out, it's a wonderful expression of how much Avery's family loves him already. These days, I am definitely in need of more positive moments like that! I love it when Paul starts talking about things we'll be able to do with the baby, or when we sit and wonder what he'll look like, or what he'll be like. I am really trying to remember that soon we will have our little baby Avery here and that this will all have been worth it!!! December 22nd, 2004 ~ 1:30pm Feeling a little better today, a little more like myself (just a really tired version of myself). I was awake in the early morning with strong contractions, aching hips, a headache, and bad heartburn and finally gave up on attempting to get back to sleep and got up at 5am. But I think I managed to sleep a couple hours somewhere between 11 and 3, so that's not too bad. During the daytime, I'm getting pretty good at ignoring the contractions by now. It's like if someone was poking your arm with a pencil continuously for a long time, you habituate yourself to the sensations. As far as I can tell though, they still haven't stopped or slowed down. Everytime I stop to actually be aware of the pains, they are still coming every few minutes. I especially notice them in the middle of the night when the even the tiny amount of painkillers I can actually take have worn off (yay for Tylenol, but since I haven't taken it durnig my whole pregnancy, I find it is effective). Or if I have been on my feet too long or am not distracted by things going on around me. So I'm just trying to keep busy enough to keep my mind off the pain, but not so busy as to bring them on any stronger or to make myself more aware of them. Paul and I are still making our way through our movie collection! and I also got another few scrapbooking layouts done in my wedding album and Avery's album. I saw my OB this morning and at least got to find out how things were going. My blood pressure was actually normal, and Avery's heartbeat was right on track. I've progressed a little further since she last examined me - my cervix is softer and the baby's head has moved down a station (so about -2). I've also dilated another cm so I'm now at 2cm. And this news is okay for me right now. I don't have to feel like I'm on the edge of active labour and should be ready to rush off to the hospital any second (good thing too with the holidays coming up so soon!), but on the other hand, I can feel more confident that my body knows what it's doing and isn't completely inefficient and "stalled" at the same place. We asked the Dr. a ton of questions of course - is it okay if the baby's movements are a little more sluggish? Can I keep taking Tylenol every 4 hours even if it's for days on end? Should I change anything now that I've lost my mucous plug? And basically the answers we got indicated that everything is going "normally" and that we just have to hang in there until next Wednesday. What's exciting is that that's only a week away! Paul reminded me as we were waiting to go in this morning that this time a week from now, we will be holding Avery!!! I am feeling so excited to meet this little guy, especially after he got my hopes up about meeting him early. We picked up a few more little gifts for him today and just picturing all the things he'll be doing and the ways in which we'll be interacting with him is so wonderful. I hang onto all those little visions - like a little picture that popped into my head today of Avery sitting up in the wagon this summer with Harmony holding him from behind. Paul was talking about playing "Peek-a-boo" with him and we were talking about when babies make the transition to realizing they are separate from their parents, etc. and just picturing him playing those little games with our son gives my heart such a warm feeling. I'm so eager to have all these little moments unfold, I have waited so long for this... December 24th, 2004 ~ 10:00pm There's nothing like the busy holiday season to keep your mind off being in labour (an expression you don't hear often, I'm sure...). Avery and I are both doing okay - both a little exhausted still it seems. My hips have really been bothering me, possibly because he's moved lower or just because of not sleeping properly. I'm staying very attached to my heat pack these days. I am also a little more off balance - have missed the last step a couple times on the stairs. I'm just trying to keep up with everything going on around here (still doing laundry, still making meals, etc.) but also trying to rely on Paul when I need to (like carrying heavier things up the stairs for me, for example) so I don't get too tired out. I find that just the extra-strength Tylenol is still really helping with the labour pains although I think by now they seem less painful just because my body has become so adjusted to feeling them and is tuning them out. Contractions that I used to have to stop and breathe through are now just really uncomfortable. I find that by the end of the day though, I'm not as good at ignoring them and going to sleep is still sometimes really difficult. I guess I'll just take it as my body's weird way of preparing me for the total sleep deprivation I'll have with a newborn. Although if he's as tired as I am with all this going on, maybe he'll be a really good sleeper (I can hope). I'm feeling more and more excited about him finally being here soon, too! Harmony gave my belly a kiss goodnight tonight when we were talking about how lucky we are to have such a great family (and how it's more important than all the Christmas presents in the world) and I was telling her I couldn't wait until Avery could kiss her back. It's so strange to think about (and it's also quite a ways off since he'll have to be an older baby!) but it is such a great feeling to know how much this little guy is loved already and how much we'll love having him here with us! December 28th, 2004 ~ 1:00pm Wow, this will be my last journal entry before we go into the hospital bright and early tomorrow morning! Since there's not much to update on as far as the labour goes (still in labour, but still no baby! Is this sounding familiar yet?), I will do more of a regular journal update like I've been doing every week for the whole pregnancy... In the past few days, we have been getting more and more excited about Avery's arrival! Today especially has been really exciting - Paul and I have been going around saying things like "This time tomorrow we'll be holding our baby!" and "This is the last time you'll be doing this while you are still pregnant!"! He has been joking that today is "Avery Eve" and as much as I laugh everytime he says it, there's also some truth to it! Just a few days ago, we were saying "I can't believe it's almost Christmas" and then "I can't believe it IS Christmas", and in the past few days we've been saying the same thing about the baby! Soon we'll be saying "We can't believe he is really here!!!". It is so amazing to look back on the past 9 months and think about how fast they've gone by and yet how slow they seemed to pass while I was going through them. That anxious first trimester waiting to see if all our efforts to help our baby thrive and "stick" were working, and the relief that came afterwards, knowing we were past the danger point and that this little one would be the baby that would survive. A fun and happy second trimester with summer sunshine and exciting family moments, the growing excitement over a growing belly, freedom from nausea and an increase in energy! A slow and tiring third trimester but with a growing attachment to the baby growing so big inside my belly, getting used to his movements and sleeping patterns and hiccups and kicks, starting to wonder daily about what his little personality was like and what he would look like. Then this strange transition in between the "third trimester" (which feels like it was really over at 36 weeks for me) and the actual birth, a time of prodromal labour, waiting impatiently for things to happen, watching all these strange changes taking place in my body, but feeling so close to having a newborn baby really finally here! In my last few days of pregnancy, I've been trying to really turn inwards and to just enjoy being pregnant and feeling Avery wiggling around in there. I know as much as it's been a very difficult time waiting, and as much as I feel uncomfortable and tired, I will still really miss having my little bun in the oven. And of course, it has all been totally worth it. Every ache and pain, every contraction, it has all brought me closer to having my son! And all the positive moments of pregnancy have been wonderful too. I would say feeling Avery moving around would be the highlight of pregnancy. No matter how day-to-day things get, you always appreciate what a special gift and miracle it is to be able to carry around this little human life inside you that was created out of love and is growing and thriving more each day. I absolutely can't get over how big Avery is right now - I must say "Look how huge he is!!!" about a hundred times a day. I would be really surprised if he weren't at least 8lbs, because I can feel his movements so keenly these days. Last night he was awake for more than half an hour and we were just having our usual before-bedtime playtime together. He was sticking his little bum right out to the side and I thought I could feel where one of his legs was as well. I could barely fit my hand around his little bum, and was thinking "I can't believe that in a day and a half I'll be putting a diaper on there!". Meanwhile, Paul opened up a newborn diaper in the baby's room yesterday and was thinking "I hope he's not too big to fit these!". But even though right now he feels so huge, I think he will feel really tiny after he's born. Physically, I am feeling okay. I was in quite a bit of pain Chrismtas Day, but hid it pretty well and was able to just focus on enjoying the holidays and making sure Harmony had a really good time (her last Christmas as an "only child"!). The fact that there isn't much longer to wait now has really helped me get through the past little while, especially as the contractions have continued to get stronger. I am still taking Tylenol pretty much non-stop (I'm so glad there is that one thing that is safe to take for relief!). I am still not sleeping very well, but getting about 3-5 hours of sleep a night. I am well-prepared for the newborn days already! I feel huge and tired and uncomfortable, but am still pretty content when I'm able to put my feet up for a little rest with my heat pack and a snack. My favourite spot on the couch hasn't changed much during the whole pregnancy, it's still a "comfort spot" for me. At night, I still depend on my 7 or so pillows to help support my back and belly. I noticed last night that if I place my elbow on my right side and curl it around my belly, my fingertips reach my belly button! I wrapped a length of wool around my belly and measured it and it was 120cm (48") around! I feel as big as a house right now, and am much bigger than I ever got with Harmony. It has been really weird to think about the fact that she was born at 38 weeks. If Avery had been born at that time, he would be a week old right now. It feels like there is a newborn baby in there now because basically, there is! My belly is really stretching to make room for him as well, and I have many new stretch marks. They have been creeping up really high on my belly too. One funny physical change has been my belly button - just when I thought it could get any weirder! It is now a total "outtie" and you can see it sticking right out if I'm wearing a thin enough shirt. In the past couple weeks, I've put on another few pounds and my total gain stands at 30lbs. My body certainly feels like something totally different these days, and I still find myself stopping in front of a mirror, thinking "Is that really me?". I find it amazing to look at my belly though and picture a baby all curled up in there, it is so neat to think of how my body has made room for him and has this perfectly in-synch system set up to feed him and take care of everything. Overall, I would say I've been blessed with very good healthy throughout the pregnancy. Now I can just hope for an easy recovery from surgery and that Avery is just as healthy on the outside as he has been on the inside all along! Emotionally, I am still feeling very hormonal, but also am worried that this is nothing compared to the "woman in chaos" I'll be when those new mom hormones start kicking in. I have been really teary-eyed over a lot of things, especially picturing all the little moments we'll have with Avery. This morning I was too excited to sleep and then then I started picturing my little newborn and starting crying. I was picturing the ride home from the hospital, with me sitting beside him in the backseat and with him all bundled up in his red bunny snowsuit with little tiny hands waving around. Hopefully he'll be sleeping peacefully when this actually happens and won't be crying like I'd pictured him (although if his hatred of the car during this whole pregnancy has been any indication, we may be in for it). For some reason though, I really think he will be a good baby and a good sleeper. I think I worry about things more than I need to, and worry that he'll be a fussy baby like Harmony when really, he may not be at all. I have parented a high-needs baby so maybe it's my turn to have a very mellow one! I also worry about my own recovery, physically and emotionally, but I need to try to remember that this time I am better prepared for what's ahead and have a lot more support. It has been really amazing to watch Paul grow emotionally too, over the course of the pregnancy. In his own way, he has formed a bond with Avery and seems just as excited as I am to meet him! He doesn't seem as nervous as I am, but then again most of my worries stem from the physical aspect of going through surgery and from what I remember Harmony's newborn days being like (which were much more challenging than an average parent would experience). I am glad he is more calm and laid-back about things than I am... hopefully he can help me gain that perspective and make sure I keep my excitement about things without letting my worries get the better of me. Of course, I recognize that these worries and fears are totally normal (this is still a huge change!), but I'll be making an effort to stay confident that I'll take everything in stride as I always have and have faith in my ability to cope. So I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions right now and they are pretty high on the intensity scale, but right now they are mostly positive as time draws so near! In a way I am just in shock and disbelief that our nine-month journey is over and that I will really be holding my little boy in my arms so soon! Paul and I have started the hourly countdown now, so it's less than 20 hours to go! I am so thrilled and feel so blessed that we will really be bringing home our precious miracle from the hospital this time instead of coming home empty-handed. I just can't wait to kiss his little face for the first time, look into his little eyes and see him looking back, find out how much this huge baby really does weigh, see who he looks like, be able to see my hubby holding our son, feel his little hands curled around my finger, nurse him for the first time, sing "Happy Birthday" to him, and have so many more wonderful things happen!! Good thing I only have to wait until tomorrow morning now!!! |
