~ The Baby's Room ~ Journals ~

Journal entries...
Last Journal Update: September 6th, 2002 (entry #10)
I just added this because it's getting really long to scroll all the way down! to check and see if I've added a journal entry or not... they are becoming less frquent, but I am still writing them... thank you to those who are here and reading them, it shows that you care about me a lot...

I was going to write a weekly pregnacy journal here, but instead I will write about the details of my pregnancy, as short as it was, and also about the miscarriage, and how I coped with that...
This is just here because I thought it would be healing to write about what happened... and give everything a sense of closure, a sense of coming full circle. If you are going to be upset by details, then please skip this part...
I will continue to keep a journal here, just as I would have kept a pregnancy journal. I find writing very healing, and perhaps others who have experienced a miscarriage will read this and find it healing as well and maybe feel that they are not alone. I know I have found a lot of comfort in hearing from people I know who have had miscarriages, who have assured me that grieving, pain, crying, mourning, anger, frustration, guilt, and sadness are all totally normal feelings when you have lost a baby...

My thoughts...
February 7th, 2002
I lost the baby yesterday, and my mind is still all over the place. I went numb yesterday, and just couldn't even begin to process what was happening. I was just starting to get used to being pregnant, and had so many little tiny beginnings of hopes and dreams about this baby. It's hard to believe how much losing something so small can effect you... This baby was just in the beginning of life, just starting to be formed and to grow. And yet he already had a tiny heartbeat starting, and I feel that he already had a soul. I don't know what happened to that little soul, but I'd like to believe that maybe my little angel is watching over us now.

Journal Entry #1- February 7th, 2002
Finding out...
I had a strong feeling I was pregnant from only a few days after this baby was conceived! How did I know? Well, I felt nauseous, and then when I caught a whiff of some cigarette smoke, I almost gagged! This was strange for me because the only other time I'd been that sensitive to cigarette smoke was when I was pregnant with Harmony. When the nausea continued the rest of the week, I went to see my doctor for something unrelated, but ended up getting a blood pregnancy test done while I was there because I asked her "How soon can you take a HPT and get accurate results?" and she suggested just getting a blood test. Well, oddly enough, those test results came back negative, so I thought that was the end of it. Still couldn't figure out why I felt so sick though!
Over a week later, my period was 5 days late (which *never* happens with me!), and I had to really try not to throw up in my early morning Stats class. So that day, I bought a pregnancy test. Two lines appeared and I was just so shocked! but also kind of excited, how could I not be? I must have stared at that test for 5 minutes straight, just in disbelief. I took a second test on the Saturday of that week and got two lines again! After the initial shock and disbelief wore off, I started to get so excited. I was so happy that Harmony would have a little sibling, I was so happy that my boyfriend was ok with the pregnancy and wanted to be there for every little thing. I started to have more pregnancy symptoms, and spent that entire weekend just in a total daze about the fact that I would be having a baby in 8 months or so!
Click here to see my home pregnancy test results!
Strange premonitions...
Everything went fine that weekend, and on Monday I went to school and was of course letting all my school friends know about the pregnancy. They were all very excited for me. On Monday night, I had total insomnia. I couldn't get to sleep, and then I was awake from 3:30 am until 5:30! I wrote in my journal during this time, about the pregnancy. After I went back to sleep though, I had a really bad dream. I dreamt that I miscarried, and that I was standing in the shower and just bleeding and bleeding down the drain. It was really scary and when I woke up I was so relieved it had only been a dream. I just calmed down and told myself it was only a dream. Then later, while we were driving to school, Harmony told me that she had a dream. She said she had a dream about an angel and they were playing with an orange for a ball. The angel didn't like the lemon but he liked the orange so they played with that. It was really unnerving to hear her talk about this dream, but I calmed down and assured myself it was just a strange coincidence that she'd had a dream like this at the same time as I'd had a dream about miscarrying the baby...
The rest of that morning (Tuesday) was ok, but in the afternoon, I started spotting. I tried not to worry too much, since it wasn't like the "bright red blood" that they tell you to go see your Dr. if you have. It started to get a little heavier later in the evening, and I started to feel some cramping and started to worry a little more, but I was exhausted and so I just tried not to worry to much and went to bed at 9:30 that night.
Nothing we could have done...
On Wednesday morning, I woke up with heavier bleeding, stronger cramping, and feeling very scared. I called the doctor on call at 7:30am who told me it sounded to her like a miscarriage but to come in and check it out for sure. I already knew she was going to tell me that, I just knew when I got up that everything was not ok. All my pregnancy symptoms had totally disapeared. I no longer had morning sickness, tender breasts, insomnia... nothing. I tried to put on a happy face for Harmony but it was really hard to do. I just knew that my baby was not ok. I let Harmony watch her show when I went to go have a shower and I just cried and cried. I prayed and prayed to God to let my baby be ok, but I think I knew even then that there was nothing more I could do.
I dropped Harmony off at school and picked up Paul. I'd called him after I got off the phone with the doctor and he said he wanted to be there with me all day. We went together to the doctor's office who did a check and couldn't see any tissue. She sent me for a blood test, and then an ultrasound. It was so hard to go through all this waiting all morning. I knew what was happening, and was trying to cope, but then everyone was saying "Well, we can't be sure it's a miscarriage", so it's like we weren't even allowed to start mourning for our loss yet, we had to stay in limbo, and not be allowed to cry. The ultrasound was around noon, and was especially devastating for me because they didn't write properly on the form what it was for. So when I was getting ready for it, the woman said, in a happy voice "So you are 6 weeks along, so I guess this is just to confirm the pregnancy, have you already gotten your blood test back?" and I had to explain to her that no, this was not to confirm a pregnancy, this was to confirm that the pregnancy was lost. The ultrasound technician didn't find anything.
I had said that I just couldn't wait for my first ultrasound with this baby... especially since I would have been exactly 20 weeks on my birthday! and that would have been a wonderful gift to be able to see my healthy baby and even maybe get to know whether it was a boy or girl. I was so looking forward to that first ultrasound, and I had totally pictured what it would be like. Paul would be holding my hand and we'd get to see our baby on the screen, little legs, a little head, little hands, a perfectly shaped little spine. Seeing Harmony via ultrasound had felt like a magical moment of connection and bonding, and I thought that my first ultrasound with this baby would be the same way... Obviously, it was nothing like I'd pictured. Instead of seeing my healthy baby on a screen, all I saw was pictures of my empty womb, again and again, from every angle. Just another reminder to me that this meant there would not be a baby.
After the ultrasound, Paul and I just rested for the afternoon and just held eachother and talked a bit and slept a little bit, but mostly, I just felt like I was slowly going numb. Everything was going through my mind so fast, thinking about all the different things that this loss meant, and all the areas of my life that this would now change. I'd already made all these plans to change my life around for this baby, and now all those plans are un-made. I didn't cry all that much, I just felt in shock and just trying not to believe what was happening. I was able to keep my mind off of things for brief periods of time that evening, especially after we'd picked Harmony up, but whenever little reminders came along, I felt like the numbness and emptiness was just coming back again.
The healing process...
I think I remember the whole official "list" of how people grieve and cope with loss. So am I a textbook case? No, because no one is... but I can certainly relate to many of the feelings that I have in common with the cycle of mourning. Denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, I think those were most of them. I'm still cycling through all of these. Sometimes I'll feel ok, like I can get through this, like I can cope, but other times I just feel so depressed, like my life doesn't really have a meaning right now and that I don't feel motivated to do anything anymore. Last night when I was trying to get to sleep, I was so totally overwhelmed with emotional pain, I literally pushed Paul away cause I couldn't even stand to be touched anymore, and curled up into a little ball of tears. I felt so angry that this was happening, I felt so devasted and sad that I just couldn't even describe those feelings and the strength of them. It just hurt so much inside me that I just felt like screaming. As I told Paul last night, it feels like I'd already given a tiny piece of my heart to this little baby's soul, and that that soul will always keep it with him.
Today I feel even worse than yesterday, if that's possible. I think it's because yesterday I felt so numb and shocked it was like a cushion, an emotional protection against totally shutting down and not being able to go on with living. Today I feel like a mess, I feel like life should just be put on hold everywhere around me and the world should stop because can't everyone see that something so sad has happened? I am aware that this is unrealistic, and I am aware that probably everyone who loses someone, a loved one, feels like the world should stop spinning while they are grieving and it never does, but the root feeling, the raw pain and anger are still there nonetheless.
Moving on...
I will continue to keep a journal of coping with my loss... I know this healing process may take a long time, but I also know that I will be ok. It helps to know that Paul is with me, by my side and in his own healing process as well, and it helps to have Harmony around to remind me that I was blessed enough to have one healthy wonderful pregnancy with a healthy wonderful child at the end of it!! I am truly thankful to have them both in my life and in my heart, as well as all the wonderful friends who have been so supportive and caring through all of this. I am also truly thankful that I am healthy and that at some time later on I am sure I will be able to have another pregnancy and a healthy baby. Sometimes it is hard to focus on the positives, but I really am very lucky.

Journal Entry #2- February 10th, 2002
I am starting to heal, starting to recover, starting to come back to "real life"... I still can't handle diaper commercials and pregnant women, etc. There are some things that just make me so sad when I think about "what could have been"... It's just that I could picture my little future baby so clearly in my mind. I'd already formed a connection with him as he was growing inside of me. I'd already made a promise to that baby that I would care for him and nurture him as long as he lived. I guess I did keep that promise, but he did not need that nurturing and care for a very lengthy life.
I still feel guilt sometimes, I am still putting myself through the torture of trying to figure out what I did wrong. What did I eat the day before I miscarried? Maybe I should not have gone to the class I had in the building with 3 flights of stairs to climb. Maybe I should have looked harder for the iron supplements I was going to start taking. Maybe I didn't drink enough water. Maybe I shouldn't have been lifting Harmony.... I know all of these things are just crazy, but even though everyone has been saying to me all week that "there's nothing you could have done to have prevented this", I have a hard time believing that in my heart even though I can believe it in my head. It just hurts so much to think about this baby not surviving even the 2nd month of pregnancy that if someone had told me that standing on my head for 3 days would have kept me from miscarrying, I would have done that. I would have done anything humanly possible to keep that baby from being lost...
Sometimes I forget that I was pregnant in the first place. Which is not really that surprising since I only found out a week before I wasn't pregnant anymore... but it still is a really strange feeling, because then I'll remember that I was, and it will feel so foreign, like "That really happened? That wasn't a bad dream?" In a weird sort of way, it reminds me of after I gave birth to Harmony and couldn't really remember what it was like to be pregnant, and remember all the details of labour all that much. I think some of this might have something to do with the whole "pregnancy brain" thing. You really do get so "duh" when you are pregnant- a friend of mine was joking with me in my 5th week that I was already starting to get the typical pregnant woman "deer in headlights" look, and she was so right. So maybe the fact that my hormones have stabilized back to their non-pregnant status has added to the distance I feel from that very short time in my life during my 2nd pregnancy.
So what have the past few days been like? Wednesday was hell. Wednesday was numbing and cold and distant and just emotional shut down. Thursday was also hell. Actually Thursday was worse. The numbness of shock and disbelief had worn off, and the pain became fresh and sharp and the anger came pouring out of me. I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I couldn't concentrate on anything except the pure searing pain of the knowledge that I was walking around alone, just myself and my empty empty hollow womb and that there was nothing I could do about that. That was all I could focus on, just this empty hollow feeling. Like I knew somehow, like I could feel an absense. I cried more in those two days that I have in a long long long time. Friday was slowly waking up and realizing that the world was still spinning, and resigning myself to the fact that I had better get spinning with it a bit more. Saturday was feeling both guilt and glad at the same time for being able to laugh and smile a little bit again. Sad reminders came floating back, but I was getting used to things, I was getting used to being a little sad but still being in "auto pilot" mode and just trying to keep going.
What has helped in the past few days is being surrounded by friends and family. It is so hard to be sad when your preschooler is telling a funny story about something or when your boyfriend is holding you tight and telling you everything is going to be allright. Early morning cuddles with Harmony and Paul have been some of the most healing moments I could ask for. It's also been amazing to have so many people call or email or stop by to let me know that they are here for me whatever I need. Even if that's all they say, that has been an amazing source of strength.
It helps to know that things will only get easier from here on it. Yes, it's been a terrible week, and yes, I feel about a decade older for all that I've been through. But I somehow managed to get through it all, and I have a little sweetheart daughter who keeps me going strong and an amazing and caring partner who has supported me with so much energy and hope that I feel like I just heal a little more with every word and touch. I am still healing, and I know there will be hard times ahead. Like when I do get pregnant again, I will really not be able to enjoy things as casually during the first trimester like I did with my first 2 pregnancies. And I know that on October 5th this year I will have a day in memory of this baby. One of my friends is also probably pregnant, and although I would be really happy for her if she were pregnant, that also might provide some challenges to try to deal with that bittersweet news. So of course I will always have times in my life when I will look back and feel sad, or look back and wonder "what if?". But at least the healing process is underway and those times are not now. Hopefully I will be ready for them when they come.

Journal Entry #3- February 11th, 2002
Today was really really hard to get through. Harder than expected. I thought I'd gotten so much better over the weekend, I thought I could return to life as it was, just do everything normally again, just keep on living and breathing in the same way. But it hit me today that everything just might never feel exactly the same way again...
I knew it would be hard to see the friends that knew about the pregnancy and were still excited and have to tell them the sad news. But it felt like a lose-lose situation today because no matter what someone's reaction to me was, it felt like it wasn't right, it made me sad. If someone knew about the baby but didn't know we lost the baby, I had to explain what happened. If someone didn't know about anything, I either had to give them the full story, or if they weren't a close friend, try to uncomfortably avoid lying and saying I was "fine" in repsonse to the usual casual "How are you?" questions... but what can you do with aquaintances that ask you "How are you?!" really? Do you lie and say "fine. see you later..."? You certainly can't just unload everything; I don't want to share my loss with those who wouldn't understand or who wouldn't really care. It's just too personal and too real for me. And yet it's hard to pretend things are ok when they are not... so today was definitely out of balance for me.
I'm glad I only had one class today. I almost didn't make it through that - the only reason I stayed was because my group was presenting. The weirdest thing happened though (although really it shouldn't surprise me because everything that has anything to do with this pregnancy has had very strange and bizarre connections to the entire workings of the universe, with timing and sensing things, as well as the psyches of every one around me...). I was sitting alone in the classroom an hour before class because I didn't feel like studying in any of my usual places (just avoiding having to run into people I didn't feel like talking to...). While I was reading, I heard a baby crying, and for a split split second I thought I must be going crazy and more upset about losing this baby than I thought and then I realized that someone must have brought a baby to campus with them (but why that day and that floor and outside that classroom!? It's not like little babies on campus is a common-place occurance! It wasn't an older baby either, a really little one, from the sounds of her/his cry).
So it's been a hard day, but at least last weekend was good, and at least I am getting out of exams and able to take things a bit more slowly to try to get back into the swing of things again. Physical, things seem to be almost back to normal, thank God. The bleeding is just finishing up, although I might have spotting for quite some time, according to my doctor (up to 5-6 weeks after a miscarriage is still possible and within the range of "normal"). I feel very tired and drained, which might have as much to do with my emotional state as it does with probably a very low blood iron count and other physical effects of losing a pregnancy. I am supposed to go in later this week to make sure my pregnancy hormone levels are below 2, but that should be my last test (unless they are not below 2). My appetite still isn't back yet (which probably isn't helping that low energy/low iron thing much), but maybe that will return when my appetite for life in general is back. I am still not that keen on things that used to really interest me, I am somewhat unmotivated towards my hobbies, my schoolwork, etc. but perhaps it's just a mild depression, which I expect is probably quite normal... I recognize though that this is all temporary and that eventually things will start to feel normal again. I'm really looking forward to that time.

Journal Entry #4- February 15th, 2002
I have been posting on a Miscarriage Support message board, which has really helped alot in the healing process. Here is a post that I wrote on Feb. 15th, I'll just copy that since I didn't get a chance to write here...

It has only been 9 days since I miscarried and I remember that this time last week I was a total mess. On Wednesday I felt numb and like this couldn't have happened to me, on Thursday I was an emotional basket case and didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything anymore.
But now I'm starting to feel better, and starting to get back to "real life"... which is a good thing, it means I am healing... So why do I feel guilty!? Is anyone else going through this? Like you feel you are not giving your baby enough mourning time because life is going on without him/her??? Maybe it was because I only knew I was pregnant for a week, and maybe it was because I was only 6 weeks along when I miscarried, and so that fleeting time that I was actually pregnant just feels like a short little memory... but why am I not feeling totally devastated anymore? Why aren't I still totally greiving for this baby? I'd gotten so excited about this baby, I'd really wanted this baby, but now I'm starting to feel "ok", and it's like I can't even cry anymore even if I wanted to... What is wrong with me anyways?!
Sorry for that big huge rant... but is anyone else going through this after such a short time? I guess everyone heals different, but I don't know, I just feel really guilty for taking a shorter time to heal than maybe I "should"...
Thanks for listening.
Kris, mommy to Harmony (3) and to my angel (lost 02/06/02)

Journal Entry #5- February 18th, 2002
It seems that life has gone back to normal, but the occassional thing will trigger some feelings of sadness again. Last week I was worried that I wasn't mourning enough and that I wasn't sad enough. Now these little reminders that come up again and again tell me that there will always be a tiny bit of sadness that I carry with me, in place of the little baby-to-be I was carrying with me less than 2 weeks ago. It feels like forever ago, it is really hard to believe it has only been 2 weeks.
Besides those sad moments, I am healing well though. Life keeps me so busy there is hardly any time anyways to sit and dwell on "what could have been". Which is a good thing, because I don't think it's very helpful to think about the "what could have been" too much anyways. What could have been won't be, and it will only hurt to try to picture what this child would have looked like, and so on. When I miscarried, I was wondering whether or not to name the "baby" that was lost in this pregnancy, and was really torn on that issue. I have now decided not to, because although I believe upon souls upon conception, and although I will always remember this pregnancy, I don't think it would be helpful to anyone still here on earth to give a name to someone who never got to really be a "someone". It would just make the wondering about "what could have been" worse, and that's nothing something I need at all at this point in the healing process.
One thing I'm very worried about is what effect this has all had on my relationship with Paul. Relationships are so hard, without any other factors thrown in, and I feel so worried sometimes that this pregnancy has had a huge impact on our future. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, and I know that that would have happened regardless of whether or not we'd gotten pregnant, but sometimes I worry that going through this trauma and healing together has evoked different feelings from us than would have occured otherwise. Maybe we feel a stronger connection because of going through this? Maybe because we are the only ones who really understand what this has been like for us, and how much this has hurt us... I also worry about what this has done to my motivation for being in this relationship. I want to make sure I am with Paul simply because I love him and want to be with him, end of story. I don't want to be with him just because I want to have a baby.
Before this pregnancy, I was somewhat apathetic towards pregnancy. I was ready to bring a child into the world, and was thinking "I wouldn't be upset if I got pregnant" but I didn't really *want* to get pregnant, nor did I expect to anytime in the near future. It was like if it happened at some point that year, that would be great, and if not, well, than not. And we'd see the next year after, you know? I was more focused on the relationship and where it would go at that point, and wasn't really thinking about becoming pregnant in the future much at all. The only thoughts I'd had about pregnancy at the beginning were "Well, if we are still together in August, maybe we can talk about maybe getting pregnant then, but we'll see...". And I can't say that my feelings have stayed the same, which bothers me alot.
Right now I still feel so mixed up about this last pregnancy, it is really hard to sort out what I feel about getting pregnant again. I don't think I've ever both wanted and not wanted to get pregnant at the same time this much ever in my life. I really really don't want to get pregnant now because it's too soon, and I'm still feeling to hurt and confused and sad about what I want and don't want. I want some time, some time to heal, some time to just be with Paul and enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him even better. But on the other hand, there is this want that is coming from somewhere else- like I need to get pregnant sometime soon, like I need to be reassured that I *can* because I have all these worries - what if I miscarry again? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I have problems with my next pregnancy? What if Paul stops loving me? What if he decides he doesn't really want to be a dad now after all? What if Paul and I break up? because I don't think it's possible that I will never meet another man that I can love the way I love him... All these totally irrational thoughts, and I have no idea where they are coming from, but it makes it really hard to focus on the rational thoughts, that now is not a good time, that I need to wait, both for myself and for my family, and for Paul, and for my schooling and career, etc.
So those are my hopes and fears right now, but I think in a way they are just part of the healing process, and that they too, will be calmed in time. I just have to be strong, and spend time healing, and spend time preparing my life for whatever happens. Whether I get pregnant this summer like I hope to, or maybe next year, or whether I have to wait a few years, there will still be issues that I will be forced to deal with because of this miscarriage. There will be more worries, more fears. One mother on a message board posted that a miscarriage ruins your "innocence" in being able to enjoy that first trimester, and I really think she was right. But I guess the only thing I can do now is patiently wait, appreciate the loving family I do have, appreciate having Harmony and Paul close to me and all the joy they both bring to my life, and try to cope with the issues I have now instead of trying to skip ahead and find answers to questions I haven't even come to yet at this time in my life...

Journal Entry #6- March 1st, 2002
I've always loved turning over the page in a calendar to a new month. There's always this great feeling that accompanies starting a new month (or new year, etc.) in that regardless of whatever happened in my life in the past month, this new one is a chance to start again, make changes, be able to say that "this month was better than last month for me", and so on! Not only is this month no exception to those usual feelings of mine, I think I appreciate having those feelings even more. January had the year off to a great start with lots of exciting things happening, but February felt like one long month of struggling to cope with everything that was happening in my life, just this big swirling ball of confusion... of course there were positives in there as well... but needless to say I am glad that month is *over* and I hope I never have to live through another month like it in a long time.
Right now I am feeling like the clouds are starting to clear up and I am able to see clearly for the first time in quite some time now... I am finally able to step back and look at the bigger picture of my life, instead of just having to jump from one category of my life to another, dealing with the problems that have come up in some of them (health, relationships, family, friends, school, work, it seems as though something serious has happened in each of these "bins" for me last month...). Everything is calming down for me now, which is such a relief...
I am feeling more at peace about what happened, and although I am still very sad about losing this pregnancy and how that happened, I think I have come to terms with the fact that loss is a part of life... What happened happened, and I have two choices about how I want to allow this to affect my life... I can choose to mourn and grieve and cry the loss of that baby-to-be for the rest of my life and be angry about it and let it make me bitter and sad, and feel like a failure until the time when (if) I get pregnant again... *or* I can choose instead to allow myself to heal from this loss, and to focus on all the blessings I have in my life - on the family and friends around me now that are still in my life and bringing me happiness. I am choosing the 2nd choice, and I know that although I will always have a special place in my heart for this lost pregnancy and this child that could have been but never was, I have many other places in my heart for all the people I love and care about, and for me it is more important to think about and care about all of those people (Harmony, Paul, my friends!, my family, and of course I include myself on this list as well!) and think about how those people bring me happiness by being here and alive and healthy. :)

Journal Entry #7- March 6th, 2002
Well, it has been 1 month since this roller-coaster ride of emotions started, so where am I today in my healing process...? Today actually felt like a step backwards... I had been doing "so well" up until this point, just trying to cope, to think about all the positives in my life, to continue on with everything as "normal". Today it kind of hit me that things still aren't "normal" and may not be for quite some time and that that situation is just one I will have to deal with...
I cried a lot today... alot of things just came back up that maybe I had thought I'd fully dealt with but in reality, I hadn't... Sometimes you like to convince yourself that everything is "ok" because that denial helps you move on with your everyday life, but that always seems to catch up with you eventually... I was reminded today that everyone goes through a changing process to heal and to cope with loss, and that sometimes that process is not predictable. It's not like I can count on getting "better" by the same little amount every single day, without every falling back a bit. Today I fell back a little bit, but I also know I will climb back to where I had been in my healing process and then continue on this path from then onwards yet again...
I wrote a little poem, and it's not really in the typical poem "style" but to me it is a good expression of some of the many feelings I went through on this very difficult day...
Remembering a loss

I cried today because I am not 10 weeks pregnant right now. We are not at my ob's trying to listen to our baby's heartbeat for the very first time...
I cried today because it has been one month since I lost this pregnancy, and I go back and forth between being upset with myself that I'm not "over it" by now, and upset with others that are trying to tell me that I should be "over it" by now when I am not...
I cried today because no one knows what meaning this day has had for me. I remember, Paul remembered, but of course no one else remembered or maybe even knew. When you are pregnant, it seems like everyone keeps a tally on what week you have arrived at ("when are you due again? how far along are you again?") but this is not the case for a miscarriage. It is something that you are "supposed" to remember silently...
I cried today because I feel so lost sometimes. I felt like that pregnancy had given me a refreshed purpose, a motivation for life, a focus for the very core of my life and activities, a little soul to nurture and care for. And now I wonder what my purpose in life is meant to be now that that very important job has been taken away from me...
I cried today because I saw a pregnant woman and maybe she has some inkling of the absolute miracle of life that she carries within her, but maybe she doesn't... Maybe she, like I did with my first pregnancy, just took that healthy pregnancy completely for granted...
I cried today because that little piece of my heart that was given away to the soul of this never-to-be-born child ached a little today and reached out and didn't find anything to even try to take hold of...
I cried today because there are so few of us on this earth that miss that little life and that mourn the loss of that soul... because even some of the people that knew about this loss have carelessly tossed the significane of that life aside, probably thinking to themselves that that embryo wasn't a "real" being, wasn't at all like a "baby", didn't really "deserve" to have life anyways...
I cried today because I saw two little girls playing happily with their younger brothers and I mourn for the loss of a sibling for Harmony and that she won't really know for a long time what she missed out on...
I cried today because of all the "what could and should have been"s, all those little pictures that my mind had already created almost from the minute I saw those two lines, all those little pictures that I may never get to see... like waddling with my big belly as I chased after Harmony in the summertime while she rode her little red tricycle, like feeling my little baby kick at me from inside, like seeing Paul lift a tiny baby out of a crib and seeing his face light up with joy because he loves his son/daughter so much, like seeing Harmony helping to hang the "baby's first chirstmas" ornament on the Christmas tree this December...
I cried today because of all those "what if"s that make me so afraid to even try to make anything work again, all those fears that I will carry with me for a long time: what if we try to get pregnant again this summer and we can't? what if we get pregnant but we miscarry again? what if we get pregnant again but no one is happy for us, and some spiteful few just wished we would miscarry again? what if I am so afraid of these things happening that I can't enjoy my next pregnancy like I should be able to!?
I cried today because it's just not fair, that anyone should have to go through all of this and have so much to worry about and think about and always have on their mind...
I cried today because I'm still healing, and crying helps me to heal...
I cried today because I know I can heal, and that I have people in my life that are wonderful and supportive, that my daughter and my partner are both blessings to me in my life, and that I have a strong spirit...
I cried today because I know that it's ok to cry, and that after I cry, I can always wipe away my tears and come out of it feeling just a little bit better...

Journal Entry #8- April 6th, 2002
It is so hard to believe that 2 months have passed already since I lost my little angel. I do still think of him once in a while, and wonder about all the "what if"s. Today I was thinking about how I would probably have been passed all that 1st trimester yuckiness by now if I'd still been pregnant. Despite a few little ponderings like this though, the day was actually pretty calm. I admit I was a little nervous thinking about it- wondering if I would start having a really bad time of it like I did last month when I passed that 1 month mark, but those worries didn't turn out to be true. Now I am just trying to peace with everything... I am putting together a little collection of things to remind me of my 2nd pregnancy- like a printed out copy of a few of the messages I posted to the "Expectant Mothers of October 2002 Babies" message board, some online information I found about miscarriages, etc. I think this will really help me feel like I can be at peace with the loss of this baby, and stop thinking about it constantly. I used to think about that baby all the time, every single day, but I find now that time has passed, I am not running all those thoughts (some of them negative self-guilt and "what if"s) through my mind again and again. I can choose to remember that little soul that touched my heart and affected my life, but I'm not obsessed with carrying on his memory because no one else remembers. I think that's one of the reasons I always kept thinking about it all the time- because if felt like I was the only one who remembered, and that if I stayed silent about that tiny life, it would never be acknowledged. So now I am more in the mindset of talking about my pregnancy and that baby, and acknowledging that everything that happened happened, so that I can recognize that little tiny life as what it was.
One thing that has helped me through the past 2 months is thinking about all the strange little connections that have happened around that pregnancy. Like my dream about miscarrying and Harmony's dream about an angel. So I asked Harmony this morning as we were getting up if she still remembered the dream she'd had about the angel. Surpringly, she said that yes, she did. I said "Do you remember playing ball with him?" and she said "Yes, with the orange" which tells me she actually does remember! because that's what she'd originally told me at first when she told me about the dream!!! So I kept going, asking her questions to see if she remembered anything else. I asked her what colour the angel's eyes had been- were they blue like hers? She said "No, they were darker." And then I asked what colour the angel's hair was, and she said "He had black hair..." which was really strange because I'd always pictured the baby with dark hair because Paul has dark hair, so that just made too much sense. She also said the angel had wings coming from his head, not his back, and that there was yellow paint on his head, and all sorts of different colours of balloons around his head. So I don't know if she was just getting silly by this point, or just didn't know how to explain what she saw. Maybe she was remembering pictures of angel's that she's seen that have halos? In any case, it was a little strange to hear these things from Harmony, but I really do believe that that little soul visited Harmony when he had to leave this planet so I was glad I'd asked just a few more questions.
So what's next? As I continue my healing process, I can see things shifting to a healthier perspective. Instead of being focused on grieving for the baby because I thought no one else would, I can talk about the pregnancy, acknowledge it as part of my life, and hope that that experience has changed my heart in a positive way. Instead of being focused on pregnancy and the worries about whether or not I'll ever be able to become pregnant again, I can just enjoy being happy and loving with my partner and prepare my body for a future pregnancy whenever that pregnancy happens to come along. A month ago, I thought I would never be able to wait a long time before getting pregnant again, but now I think I am back to being happy either way. If things continue to go well and we get pregnant again next August, I'm happy. If we have to wait until the August after that, I'll be happy too. And when I do get pregnant, I know that now that I've taken this time to heal, I won't be unconciously trying to just "fix" everything by just getting pregnant again to make the hurting stop. I've made the hurting stop in other ways that have been more healthy for me in the long run, and I have to say that I'm glad for that. I think we were a little tempted to get pregnant again in February because we were hurting so much from our loss that maybe we thought that was the easy solution to healing our pain, but I'm glad we have waited and continue to wait. Whenever our lives become blessed with another pregnancy and child, I'll be overjoyed. :)
Until then though, I'm finding much joy in my little family- my partner and my daughter mean the world to me. :) I've found other outlets as well- continuing to work hard in my schoolwork and carreer path, continuing to try to stay fit. I've kept off the 10 lbs I lost at the beginning of this year (in part due to morning sickness, etc. but in part due to swimming more often) and I've lost another couple lbs. All these wonderful, tangeable things in my life keep things real for me and crystal clear so that I don't get into a dark "rut" of negative thought patterns. And of course I recognize that everything is not "totally better" and I'm not trying to sound overly idealist here and like everything is sunshine and rainbows, because there will always be some sadness, and always been some things I'll have to worry about and think about, but I think on the whole, it feels like my grieving process is coming mostly to a close, and I'm happy and at peace with that.
This may be my last update for quite some time, but I will write again soon. Thanks to all who have been keeping up with these journal entries. And hopefully at the end of the summer, I can post some very happy news here!! ;) Until then...

Journal Entry #9- May 6th, 2002
I thought of my little angel today and my heart was very sad and missed him. :( If I'd still been pregnant this month, I would be almost halfway through my pregnancy. The ultrasound would have been scheduled, and perhaps my partner and I would have found out by now (or within the next couple weeks) whether or not our baby really was a boy like I was so sure he was. It makes me so sad to think we will never ever know. I really think he was though.
I'm still running into a lot of things that set me off and make me think of the baby and make me sad, even after 3 months. Even really weird things that you wouldn't really think would be a big deal. I can be around my neighbour's adorable year-old daughter but she's so her own little cutie I don't really tie her into thinking about my baby at all. But sometimes it still bothers me to see pregnancy women. I still haven't had the courage to be around the friend of mine that is pregnant and due the exact same time I was due (she was going to a get-together last weekend and I just went home instead of going). Another weird little trigger that is so sad it's almost funny, but not... I was at a birthday gathering with my partner and a lot of his family. His little cousin was talking about how his hamster died and the family said "I'm sorry about your hamster", and his dad was saying how they wrapped him up and burried him in the woods, facing the sun, etc. etc. etc., this whole story about the hamster's death... and I thought to myself that it was so funny and so odd and cruel and strange that my little *human* life didn't get anything like that. What's also funny is that Paul's mom asked him "So are you getting a replacement" and I thought, well that's also something that is different, because at least no one says that about a baby that died, even if they think it.
So those are a few of the negatives, but at least they are getting fewer and farther in between it seems. I can watch a baby commercial without crying, I can talk about my pregnancy without feeling too awkward or ashamed or devastated.
I am still going through a healing and grieving process, in different ways these days though... I am letting myself still grieve, even though many people have probably just forgotten and moved on. I do admit that once in a while, I'll forget too, but not often. I know I will always carry this loss around with me, on my heart, with it's tiny piece missing. But I am still working on my memory book for the baby, and now I want to start a little cross-stitch for this baby since I did such a beautiful one for my daughter. I also found the cutest little porceline birthstone baby shoes that are really small and bought a "November" pair for my daughter, and then decided to get a little pair of "October" ones too for angel. I will hang them together with his cross-stitch when I am finished, although I really have no idea where. I don't want to hang them in the blue room, what would have been his room, because it's my office right now and it will hopefully someday be another baby's room and she/he will have their own cross-stitch and porcelin shoes and "stuff" on the walls, and I never want that child to feel like a replacement in any way.
A great resource that I found was on the March of Dimes website. They had a fact sheet on miscarriages, and then I also followed a link along from that page and entered my address to get an information package sent to me and it was really really wonderful. I wish I had gotten it earlier on. Here's the link for those who may find it helpful- click here.
Other steps towards healing have just included letting go in my own little ways. For a long time I really clung to the idea that my partner and I would for sure for sure get pregnant (or at least try to, but I won't drag out those fears) this summer. I think I really needed to hang onto that to feel like it wasn't so far away. Now I feel that I'm a little more flexible about the times. I think if I reach this August and if we don't quite feel ready to be pregnant at that time, my grief over this baby-to-be won't interfere anymore. I am glad we had that date set and talked about it, but I'm also glad that I'm at a point in my healing process when I don't feel pushed to try again because of fears or grief or anything negative. We may still decided in August that that would be a good time for us, but it doesn't have to be *the* time.
I think I am still searching for ways to remember my baby though, and I don't quite know why, but I feel it is so important for me to have this. I guess just for some closure, and some acknowledgement and because he was important and influenced a lot of things in our lives even though he hadn't even been born yet. He made his little mark on us, and I want to remember that for now and for always. I am considering gettnig a tattoo with a heart and angel wings (since I have named him "angel") and the day we lost him. But I am worried maybe one day I won't want it anymore? I was going to get it soon after the loss and I am glad I've waited until I am farther along in the healing process. I think I still will get it though, because I am planning on getting a tattoo with each of my children's names, and was going to wait until after I'd had all my pregnancies (because of the stretching of course!) to get them but maybe I won't wait and will just put them on my hip instead of on my belly. So that is one thing I will probably do to permanently remember him and the effect he had on our lives. The main reason I wanted to get a tattoo as well is that I can physically *heal* some pain and it will remind me of how I gradually, day by day, step by step, heal my emotional pain as well.
I will be remembering angel on Mother's Day since I'm still his mother. Maybe if I watch the sky closely enough, he'll send me a little ray of sunshine from heaven that I will know is just from him.
I also want to do something special on October 5th, have a memorial to add some final closure to everything so that we can move on as best we can. I think doing all these things may seem really silly to some people but those people can just not be included in anything or just not even know. I think I need these things to heal fully and really recognize a life that still feels brushed aside sometimes.
I will write again soon...

Journal Entry #10- September 6th, 2002
This day is bittersweet... I remember that it's now been 6 months since I've lost my little angel, but I found out just this week that we are pregnant again and due in May! :) I am so excited about this new baby, but there is also something very different about how I'm letting myself get excited. I feel a bit of hesitation, a bit of holding back... I think it's because I am a little worried that we may lose that one too... I am not thinking too much ahead or planning too much ahead, because I worry a little bit that I may be excited only to be let down again.
I have a good feeling about this "little one" though! He/she is already making mama feel pretty sick in the mornings (and at other times of the day! lol!), and the hormone levels were high enough to show an obvious positive on a preggo test at only 12dpo (2 days before my period was due!) whereas with angel, I only got a really really faint positive at like, 19dpo! (5 days after my period was due!). So those differences are encouraging.
I am actually quite glad we are pregnant, especially since the past 6 months have been hard to wait! I think if I had to go through angel's "would have been" birth date without knowing for sure that Yes, it IS possible for me to get pregnant again, it just would have been harder to get through. Now although I can't be sure that I will have another healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, I can be sure that I can get pregnant more than easily enough, which is more than some women (who have both difficulties with fertility to begin with, as well as difficulties with carrying a pregnancy to term!) can say. I feel really blessed to be carrying another tiny life inside me that I can nurture and bring to birth!
We are still making plans for a memorial for next month and hoping to have some of our closest friends there with us as we bring a bit of "closure" to remembering angel's life. It doesn't mean we'll forget, but in my healing process, I feel it's time to move on, especially as we are now making room in our hearts and lives for another little wonderful joy baby who will hopefully bless us with her/his pressence sometime next May! I don't want this baby's life to be shadowed by sadness in any way - I don't want her/him to feel like they were the "second try". I will be putting away all of angel's things into one place - one blue memorial box, his little October 2002 shoes, the bear cross-stitch I made for him, the little blue infant socks I got out for him to use, etc. I also want to find something we can do in his name, and we will also be giving him a full name. Paul suggested the middle name "Michel" when we were pregnant with angel, and I liked it at the time, and it was the only one we came up with then so we are going with michel. As for the last name, I really wanted him to have Paul's last name, but Paul wanted him to have my last name because I was "more attached", so we are compromising and giving him both.
I will write after the memorial on the 5th. Thanks to those who have read all the way through these journals... sometimes it feels like it's been so much less than 6 months, and I can still remember the pain I felt when first experiencing this loss, but most times it feels like it has been years, and that we have healed in a positive way, the best way we could...

since March 2002
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Last Update: September 2002